Wednesday, January 1, 2014

I was going to stop writing forever.

I was. It's true.

Okay maybe not, forever forever. Just on the blog forever. I am not a good blogger. I don't find that my life is worth blogging. I am horrible at taking pictures and documenting things. I have the memory of a goldfish.

Also....have you seen the photog skills? Sheesh. Ah-mazing.

I mentioned in my last post that I just didn't have anything good/happy/positive to write about. No one wants to read Debbie Downer's blog! I talked myself into just letting it go. Once I made the decision to stop something funny happened.

Random people kept mentioning my writing.

My boss was searching for a new job and one of her references asked me to write the letter for her, specifically saying that I was such a great writer and that she missed my blog posts. (My boss got the job and that reference became my new boss. Funny how things work out.)

Bryan brought it up a few times.

My sisters Alison and Kari brought it up at sister dinner.

Another co-worker said that the taco soup recipe I shared is one that her family loves and they laugh every time they read my post while cooking. And they make it often and always double the recipe because it's gone the next day.

I was contacted by a reader I don't know in real life asking where I had gone.

Honestly, I was like... what the heck. I decide to stop writing and all of a sudden it's every where I look. No one had said one word to me before I mentally decided I was done. I didn't even tell anyone! Not even Bryan!

I'm gonna just go ahead and be real here. God and I... we're on the outs. I'm angry at Him and He dang well knows it. There has been a whole lot of talking and not a whole lot of listening on my end. I'm okay with this because I know He can handle my anger. He understands. I'm not going to offend God with my anger, shouts and cries. Not even my cuss words. I feel a peace about the fact that I'm raging and hurt and angry. I also feel that my grace period is coming to a rapid end.

Another real moment: I adore my mother-in-law. She says things and those things stick with me. During a conversation about how alike (read: stubborn) we are, I mentioned that sometimes I'm not sure if it's God talking to me or it's me talking to me. She said that God often confirms things with her in three's. She'll see something, someone will tell her something specific, whatever it is, it'll happen three times. She'll say to herself, "Okay, this isn't just me." That taught me to really pay attention and know that God will confirm himself to me, even if it's in a way that is specific to me.

Back to my point. So I make this decision without consulting the Almighty, that I am just done with writing. And all of a sudden everyone and their mother is mentioning my writing in some fashion, to the point where (without me looking for confirmation) I was like what. the. heck. And then there was just this slap-in-the-face moment where I was like... DUH. Maybe I'm not supposed to stop. Maybe this is God trying to convey to me that this decision was not acceptable.

I thought on that for a while. Writing has always been a constant for me. My entire life I've said that one day I want to write a book. I've had my pen named picked out since I was a little girl. Maybe cutting myself off from writing would be detrimental to my psyche. I don't know.

I'm still figuring it all out.


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