Monday, February 6, 2012

It Hurts

ARE YOU READY FOR SOME FOOOOOTBALL??? Wrap-up? Except... not really.

Yesterday was the Superbowl and more importantly, was an excused day to eat 7 layer dip and lemon bars.  Didn't you hear? Calories don't exist on Superbowl Sunday. ;)

While we only watched the coin toss, the half-time show and the last minute of the game because we don't really care much about football, it was still a nice day.


There was a bunch of drama between my alcoholic father and me.... and I ended up getting a pretty gnarly headache.

Luckily, I was able to tough it out because Bryan and I invited Denise and Bryan's cousin Ali to come over to watch movies and eat food. I sat there with a heating pad on my head, drugged up, and I kept repeating, "Bryan, shhhh... you are too loud!" and "No, Bryan! I don't want to drink any alcohol. I'm drugged right now!"

But around 6, my head started feeling WAY better, I was finally able to have a lemon bar and a little more dip, and we watched That Thing You Do. Love that movie! I made minestrone soup in the crock pot for our dinners this week, and I made enough to freeze half for another meal later on. Woohoo!

All in all, it was a fine Superbowl Sunday.

Yesterday was just another instance of how devastating it is to have someone that you love be addicted to drugs, alcohol or involved with other styles of destructive behavior. I feel so sad for my Dad, for my family, because this will never end. It's the same cycle over and over again.

It's especially hard because while I can usually deal with it in (what I can only hope is) a healthy way, it still is a constant in my life. It's always there, looming around the corner. It's a major pain, emotionally and physically to deal with someone that is so all over the place. Especially when they are 'normal', they are amazing. Its like mourning the death of one of your favorite people all the time. Over and over again.

I don't want anything bad to happen to my Dad. But at the same time, I want this cycle to end. I want it to be over. I hate the roller coaster of it all. The mean words, the broken promises, the pretending. It's all so heavy that I just don't to deal with it anymore. Even if I pulled away and cut all communication, I would still think about it and wonder. And miss out on the good times that come around every once in a while.

It just is what it is, I guess. But it still hurts.

Friday, February 3, 2012

Things are Not-At-All as Kinky as They Seem...

Have you ever gotten home, fell on your bed and never got up again? No?


Then I definitely did not get home last night 8:15 in the pm, take off my pants and fall into bed without even plugging in my cell phone. I did not stay in bed until I fell asleep at 10 and I did not sleep through the night until 7:15 without so much as waking up when Duey sneaked his way onto the bed.


I got home last night, did an hour of yoga, cleaned my whole house top to bottom, made cookies for my husband and caught up on all the laundry.

Okay, okay. Was it the yoga or the cleaning my house that gave it away?

I was so, so, massively burned out last night that when I got home from my CASA training, I did that movie star thing where as you walk, more and more clothes come off until you fall into bed thing. Except usually movies have two people doing that. I just had one. My husband found me snuggled in bed in the dark about 15 minutes later.

Bryan: Whatcha dooooin?

Me: I'm in bed.

Bryan: I see that. Want to watch a movie?

Me: I can't.

Bryan: Why?

Me: Because I'm in bed.

Bryan: Why?

Me: Because I can't move anymore. I need to just stop. No phone, no computer, no movies, no reading. Just silence and the dark.

Bryan: So what am I supposed to do?

Me: Lay down.

......5 minutes later....

Me: Bryan! No cell phones!! Just disconnect for a while with me!!!

Bryan: So you just want me to lay here alone?

Me: You aren't alone! I'm right here. Shhh.

Bryan: (sigh)

Cali: (groan)

Lily: (meow)

Bryan: Let's go watch that movie!

Duey: (Grrrrrr....)

Me: (sigh) No! I can't. I'm so tired.

We all ended up staying in the room for the rest of the evening until Bryan went to shut down the house. I never moved. Not even to go to the bathroom after drinking all that water. I slept all night. But when I woke up?

I felt like Hulk... or a vampire or something. I woke up from the dead and I tore off my shirt while screaming, "AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!" And Bryan was like, "IT'S ALIVE!!!!" Except he was more like, "Hey babe, how'd you sleep." Same diff.

I feel ah-mazing. Like I can tackle the world! Which I pretty much have to tonight. I have a ton of errands to run and then I've gotta get my house cleaned up and laundry done. I'm also hoping to take pictures of the living room tonight to post them. It might have to wait until tomorrow.

I'm going grocery shopping tonight so that I can make some snacks for Superbowl Sunday. Bryan and I will probably just watch movies all day and then watch the half-time show... We aren't really watch-sports-on-tv people. But we are eat-superbowl-snacks people!! Which explains why we are both chunky. :)

Over and out!

Thursday, February 2, 2012

Water, I Love to Hate You.

I read in an article, I don't remember which one, that most Americans are extremely dehydrated and that most of the time, Americans 'thirst' mechanism goes off as a hunger pain because the body has been trained to know that the only liquids it might get are through the food process. (Because you usually drink when you eat.)

This was astounding to me. I think back on my days and realize that other than a cup of coffee in the morning for breakfast, some milk/juice or soda at lunch or dinner, that is all I drink. For the entire day.

Wow. Not okay! Oh, that article also says that drinking water throughout the day can help you lose weight, help you stay awake, help your hair grow, help your eye-sight, help your stiff joints/back AND keep your skin pretty.

And I wasn't even drinking a tenth of my eight 8oz glasses a day. I've been trying to remedy it. I have a water bottle at my desk and I constantly sip from it and replenish it from a Brita container I bought at Target. When I start to feel tired or I have blurred vision from sitting at the computer for so long, or I feel 'hungry', I drink water  instead. I just keep taking little sips, here and there. I've worked my way up to drink about a bottle and a half at work.

When I get home I fill up another bottle and I sip from that all night. My goal is to drink three bottles of water at work (16.9 oz bottle) and 2 bottles of water at home (20 oz bottle). So I would be consuming 90.7 fluid ounces of water a day. Plus when I drink juice, tea, soda, milk, etc.

What I have found is that there is a cycle. I noted down my thoughts this past week. (The times are averaged.)

  • 8:45: Coffee... mmm...I could drink coffee all day every day. But I only get one cup, so it better be GOOD.
  • 9:30: I only drank half my coffee. I could heat it back up or drink water. Chose water. Fill bottle. Ugh.
  • 10:00: Got up to go the copier. Leg is super stiff from having it tucked under my other leg in a half Indian-position. Note to self: Stop tucking leg under other leg. Drink water.
  • 10:45: Ate lunch with the girls. Forgot to grab water. Did not drink while eating. Guzzled water when I got back to desk.
  • 11:30: Kids lunch time. Here we go. Sip water.
  • 12:45: Talk to Jessica. Hate water. Won't ever drink any more. Its tasteless and disgusting. Took a drink of water.
  • 1:47: Refilled water bottle with cold water. Drank 1/4 of bottle. Brain-freeze. Why did I DO that!
  • 2:40: Took a sip of water, kids are almost gone for the day.
  • 3:45 YAY! Almost time to leave. Holy crap I need to PEE. 
  • 4:00 Leave work. 
This is how it goes just about every day. I waiver between water is the BEST THING EVER to this water is DISGUSTING; I can't drink any friggin' more water or I'm going to shoot myself in the foot with a water gun full of mud. 

Seriously, I have a love/hate relationship. All these people keep telling me, "Oh, just get some of those Crystal Light powder packages that transform your water into FLAVORED water." No. Just, no. Those are disgusting. I don't want to spend any money on water-enhancing products. I am not going to drink synthetic powder that is made up of chemicals and aspartame to make my water taste strawberry-ish or whatever. 


I can't tell you that I have had any miracles happen since I've become focused on drinking water. Seriously. The only thing I can really tell is that I'm water bloated as crap. Its like my body is holding on to every ounce of water that it can cling its little molecules to because it knows I'm probably going to go into dehydration again soon. My own body doesn't trust me. Sad days. 

The only real change is that I'm visiting the potty-room more often than usual. But I know I'm not where I should be because I'm still only going four, maybe five times a day (morning, work, after-work, during lounge time, before bed) when I used to go three, (morning, after work, before bed). 

I'm assuming this is not normal by gauging how often the teachers visit the restroom at work. Since my desk is right by it I can monitor the normal comings and goings. Although, many of our teachers have had kids so that messes my perimeters up a bit. 

Don't worry, its not lost on me that I am monitoring the bathroom usage at work to see if I'm normal. 

I'm fully aware that I'm a freaking weirdo.