Tuesday, December 31, 2013

2013 Deserves a Punch... In the face.

Oh... Hi.

I think it's incredibly lame to have a 5 month hiatus from the blog and then post on New Years Eve, alas, here I am. Sitting in Bakersfield while Bryan gigs and Shepherd sleeps.

We are staying at a family friends house and their dog, Charlotte Mae is snoring next to me. Loudly. The gas fire is not crackling but it's pretty and there is an ambiance about it. Isn't it so writer-y to have a fire while typing a blog post? Yes. I dig it.

What can I tell you about the past few months? Why I haven't written? I have. I just haven't posted. I write and save it to my drafts folder in my e-mail and then never look at it again. Are you wondering why? I don't know. It's not you. It's me.

Seriously, it's me. I haven't posted anything because everything that flies from these fingertips is negative. It's ugly. Sad. Heavy. I have nothing funny to say. Or crazy. Or anything. I haven't decorated. I haven't organized. I haven't cooked. I haven't accomplished anything real in the past nine months. So there is nothing to write about. All the thoughts that swirl around this brain are bad. I haven't been in a happy season in a long, long time. I don't want to always be dumping. I don't want people to stop reading my blog because I'm just so sad and they can't take reading another weighty word-fest from me.

One of my biggest fears is that people will jump to the conclusion that I am never happy. I mean, c'mon. I have moments. Bryan and Shepherd, my boys.... I get tastes of joy when I'm around them. Shepherds presence lightens my soul. When I'm wrestling with him, kissing him, watching him climb and pound and play... man. The dark clouds are swept away for a while and I can breathe easy for a while. Shepherd goes to sleep or I go to work and poof. It's dark again. Bryan reminds me of why I'm blessed. He points things out and brings me back. I believe in it all for a while.

Look at my house! Sure, it's messy and dusty but I have a roof over my head. Many people don't. Look at my car! It's new to us! Look at all the room! Not everyone has a car that even functions and I have this spiffy one. Look at my clothes, my opportunity, my family, my everything. I am not ungrateful for one single iota of it. I am so, so very rich compared to people all across the world. It's just that I don't feel anything for it.

The things I have around me do not fill me with joy. I cannot use those items to clear the persistent fog in my head, around my heart. I come home and see my things but do not care enough to dust them. Or pick them up. I don't want to deal with any of it. I don't have it in me to deal with it.

What I am trying to say, 2013, is that you were an asshat. If you were a person I would punch you and not even feel bad about it. However, I am nice enough to give credit where credit is due. Thank you for being the year in which my son was born. For teaching me true sacrifice so someone else can flourish. Thank you for teaching me that I am stronger than I ever thought possible, while at the same time breaking me down into tiny pieces that I may never truly knit back together the way they were before.

2014 is on the horizon and it's the first time in a long time that I'm truly excited. Not just faking it. That small emotion gives me hope that the sun is rising and soon I'll be able to feel the warmth.


*sorry about the a-bomb. I gotta keep it real, even if it's not pleasant. 


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