Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Hibernating to Heal

I know I promised that I would write about all the fabulous loot I scored at Michael's on the cheap, but sometimes life happens and posts don't get written. I'm about to get real for a second.

Last night, while talking to my hubby, he asked if I was still feeling weird and I replied that I was, although I couldn't pinpoint how I've felt. It's pretty hard to describe. He said that he feels that way sometimes, and that it's like a disassociation with my surrounds. He literally hit it on the head. I feel ungrounded. With people that I usually feel ridiculously comfortable with, I feel aloof and awkward. I can't seem to find my place. I feel disconnected and it's disconcerting. It honestly the most uncomfortable feeling ever.

I'm awkward. I am really shy. It's hard for me to be the first person to try to connect with someone else. It's not that I can't, or that I am bad at connecting. I've always been really good at dealing with people and talking to them. It's having the courage to connect with someone first. If someone opens the line, then I can easily steer the conversation and be personable. But opening the line first? No way. I'm awful at it. I feel awkward and like this person is going to think I'm an idiot. I fumble. And I HATE that feeling. That feeling though? Ten times better than what I feel right now. 

Even though I feel this way, I still laugh when something is funny. I still have all my normal reactions to things. When I read something sad, I want to cry. It's not that I feel like I'm in a fog or I am temporarily rendered emotionless. It's just that I feel like there is a wall between me and whomever I happen to be with. 

I wish I had some light at the end of the tunnel paragraph to put here; Alas, I am in the throes of it. I'm just staying positive and I'm going to spend some time at home, working on my house and let my mind just work itself out. I know that this is not forever and that eventually it'll be gone. Until then I just continue with life. I guess you could say that I am hibernating and come spring, I'll be alright. 

I hope. 


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