Wednesday, January 16, 2013

It Happened Last Night...

I haven't been sleeping. I've been in this weird, semi-awake state where I have very weird thoughts/dreams and I toss and turn a lot.

We haven't deep cleaned the house in forever. On Sunday, we ended up getting a lot done, but not nearly what needs to be done.

My pregnancy is causing some gallbladder issues. Last night I had my first painful experience with my gallbladder. The only option I have to is go on a strict clean eating diet. Kind of like a rabbit. Except Shepherd refuses to let me eat salad and if I do anyways, I pay for it later.

Good news is I've been cooking again so that keeps us eating at home and not eating out. Bad news is that it takes so much energy to come home from work and cook dinner that by the time that is all done, I'm done.

Late last night it "all" got to me.

Baby Shower.

Everything. It all just piled high and I collapsed right under it.

I had just gotten out of the shower and I laid on our bed and sobbed.

How can I do all of this?

I'm so tired. There is so much to do. So much going on.

I look in the mirror and am so happy with my face. For the most part, I look like me again! But then, I look at my stomach and can't believe that for the past year I had seen it shrinking and going away now its sticking out. It's bigger than ever! It's round and OUT THERE. My arms and chest don't fit in Extra Large but my stomach doesn't fit in Large which makes dressing a challenge.

We've got to clean out our spare room and pretty much every room so we can purge items we don't need and get the carpets cleaned. Just thinking about it is so overwhelming.

I've started collecting small things for Shepherd's room and trying to get a plan together on how to paint it and how to decorate it. We need to take a trip up to Ikea to get the things I've already decided I need. The nearest Ikea is over three hours away. Instead on taking a proper babymoon, we plan to go to Ikea to get the items we need. I want to redo the trim, the crown molding, it needs a new light fixture, closet doors, etc.

We have a baby to pay for. As in, the actual act of having the child. We have bills coming up and major purchases to make. Money. Flying right out the window before we even have it. That's a good feeling.

Bryan laid with me and said that I need to take it one step at a time. I get that. But every part needs one step taken. There is no time to sit and dawdle now. We have roughly 108 more days.

108 more days. It seems like a long time but in reality, it's not. I want to be superwoman and do it all and do it well, but by the time I get home from work I'm exhausted. My brain is mush.

Then it seems like when I'm in the mood to get things done and get cracking, Bryan is difficult, tired and lazy. We can't seem to get on the same page or schedule with what needs to get done.

Today, I'm in the puffy-eyed, exhausted haze of last night. I feel bummed out and like a failure. I'm hoping that I can make it through today and start fresh tomorrow. Ready to conquer the world.

Or... at least my world.


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