The Second (Part 2)

I immediately text my midwife. She said that they were planning to take December off, but they'd push it back to January because of course she wanted to be my midwife.

I needed to figure out what we were going to do. Concurrent care with a physician just in case I needed another cesarean? Follow the same process as last time? Plan for a cesarean?

There were some no-brainer no's to those questions. I was not going to have concurrent care. I was not going to schedule a procedure. I don't feel comfortable with any of those options and I shall not be labeled a "high risk" pregnancy because I'm not. I don't feel high risk and pre-eclampsia rears it's ugly head early enough that I will know the signs and so will my midwife, who I know will be extra attentive.

My plan of attack was the following:

- Focus on completing school.
- Survive the first trimester.
- Finish school.
- Research pre-eclampsia again.
- Freak out over having to pump for almost 11 months and having that be a possibility again.
- Get a high protein food plan together
- Freak out over the possibility of having another hospital birth
- Resolve to VBAC
- Stay positive about pre-eclampsia
- Chill the eff out.

Focus on completing school & Survive the first trimester
I was so incredibly nauseous in my first trimester. I felt like crap all the time, was in a super bad mood and my face was (is) breaking out like crazy. It became exceedingly clear that the baby did not like coffee, so ginger ale and water became my best friends. The few that knew about my pregnancy were sworn to secrecy and I didn't even really talk about it much. I tried to just deal with one thing at a time. If I started getting into pregnancy mode, then fighting SB277, working, schooling, mothering and wife-ing would all be too much. Pregnancy brain had to wait.

Finish School
I finished school with most of my classmates unaware that I was pregnant and my instructors completely in the dark. After I was done with Capstone, I felt comfortable telling people. I wanted people to talk to be about the course, not about babies. Once it was over and they knew, the questions started and I loved it. I'm glad I kept it on the DL.

I decided that I wouldn't announce it on any social media until I was done with the program and once I had the family picture of the four of us, I couldn't keep it in any longer! It was a great day to celebrate and announce our the new member to our family and Shepherd was stoked because he got Skittles before lunch. It was a happy day for all. 

Research pre-eclampsia again. / Freak out over having to pump for almost 11 months and having that be a possibility again. / Get a high protein food plan together / Freak out over the possibility of having another hospital birth / Resolve to VBAC / Stay positive about pre-eclampsia

I'll be honest and say that I have a good chance of having pre-eclampsia again. It's about a 70% chance, so my odds aren't great. However, there are a lot of factors that trigger pre-eclampsia and some of them are in my control, so what is, I will give my best shot in handling. I'll also be honest in saying that while I accept my odds and I am doing what I can to minimize them, there is also fear. I don't want another birth like I had last time. This time, I want to birth my way. I want to experience natural childbirth and a natural recovery.

So, I'm trying to eat better when I feel well enough to eat. Some days I just don't feel good. I don't want to eat much and there are days that I feel great so I try to make good choices on those days. I'm trying not to stress out over it because that's another trigger. I feel that I have a healthy balance of caring about my end result but also not riling myself into a tizzy over food.

I think this time, my breastfeeding journey will be different. I don't want to pump again but I will if I have too. I did it before and I'll do it again. But this time, I want better. For myself, for my baby, for my pregnancy, for my body. I plan to be way more prepared for breastfeeding and now that I know about lip/tongue ties, I think I can make it happen.

I am a good candidate to VBAC and so that is the plan. Even if I don't have my home birth, even if I have pre-eclampsia, I felt in control of every decision Bryan and I made along the way in our first birth and if I have to do the entire 40 hour labor all over again to try to VBAC, I will. If it ends with the same result, well.... there are worst things. I'm comfortable with the decisions I made during birth last time. I gave a vaginal birth a hell of a shot, but shit happens. And it may happen again this time. I'm ready for the journey, wherever it takes me.

THAT SAID.

I will still plan my home birth. I will still set myself up for success. I can't control everything but I what I can do, I'm doing.

I'm so happy for this baby. I can't wait to know if it's a boy or a girl. I can't wait to feel the strong kicks and get a belly. I long for those quiet moments with precious baby noises and cuddles. The awkward smiles and the giggles. I'm blissfully happy. My situation isn't "ideal" but it's mine and it's beautiful. This baby is wanted and loved.

This baby will also never live down the fact they have caused horrible acne breakouts, super tired/cranky/moody days (poor Bryan) and go the longest period of my life without coffee - TWO WHOLE MONTHS. I mean jeesh! Give Mom a break, kiddo. A Portuguese girl without coffee is like a beach without the ocean.

Super weird and a tad frightening.