Sunday, March 1, 2009

A Dreary Day in Hanfordtown

I've stared at this screen for a good ten minutes and I still don't know how to begin.

I'm so sad indescribable right now.

This weekend was not at all as I hoped it would be. Without going into too much detail, Denise and I ended up leaving Santa Barbara last night, instead of the planned 3:00pm today.

I have no clue what I am going to do. I'm hurt, frustrated, sad, angry...and most of all I feel completely disrespected. There are so many things running through my mind right now, I can't think straight.

All I know, is that I already have a relationship that is defined by alcohol. I have already had a relationship that was torn apart from disrespect, lack of caring and bad choices.

I don't want another relationship to be that way. So far, it seems like the decisions we make as a couple are completely disregarded when he feels it should be so. It seems that instead of honoring our relationship and the compromising that we have done, it's easier to completely dismiss it and go along with the majority. If it's an attempt to seem more manly, to save face or to seem unaffected by the 'woman' in his life, I couldn't tell you.

I didn't sign up for this. I don't want this type of relationship. I'm looking for something more meaningful, something more real and honest. I'm looking for something fun yet still mature. I want someone to be my partner, my teammate, my best friend.

As of right now, I don't feel like a have a partner or teammate. I feel alone.


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