I Wake up Terrified.

I have a quiz due tomorrow and I need to be working on it. Oh well. I just read this article because it was posted on ImprovingBirth.org's Facebook page. I then posted this comment on the thread:

It's true. The article talks about a home birth that went devastatingly wrong. It was scary and traumatic. The same birth may or may not have happened in a hospital. I can't say. I don't know everything about birth just because I've had one kid. I'm not the end-all be-all of mothers. I barely consider myself a good one.

But I can say that I had a traumatic birth. I can say that it has stayed with me for almost two years. I can say that while Bryan and I have started talking about trying for another, I am terrified. I woke up in a cold sweat a few weeks ago and what was going through my mind was that I couldn't do it. Here are my options:

1. Do what I did last time. Hire a midwife to give me prenatal care. Hope she'll take me... Try for a home birth (and a smooth one at that!). Face the possibility of something going wrong.  If I were to have pre-eclampsia again, go straight to the hospital and deal with doctors I don't know.

Or

2. Find an OB, be a high risk pregnancy, fight for my right to start laboring on my own. Face the possibility of being dropped as a client. Face the possibility of being pressured to schedule a c-section. Pray that I don't swell/don't have protein in my urine/go into labor on my own. Hope that I get a "good" nurse that is nice and lets me eat a little. Pray that the doctors I encounter won't forcefully shove their fingers in my vagina and painfully check me without caring about how it makes me feel when they do it. Fight for a surgery that doesn't end in staples (cause hell no.) Face the possibility of something going wrong.

The problem is all my options scare me.

And this is what makes me so pissed.

I shouldn't have to choose between one horrifying experience or another. It's like in politics when you pick a candidate you don't agree with at all but do because they are less crazy than the other.

Birthing is as natural to our bodies as breathing. Our bodies morph to what our babies need and more often that not, we legitimately don't have a reason to cut open our bodies and take them out. And it's not just the Doctors fault. A lot of doctors are sued or punished because they make the wrong call and it ends badly. Which is heartbreaking and infuriating. We are all only people, at the end of it all. We can only do so much. When someone loses their baby, sometimes it's the only thing that makes sense. Honestly, I can't imagine. I do know that many doctors just try to do what they believe in that moment is right. It's not an easy job. That is shitty for them as doctors.

But there are also many doctors out there want to be home by dinner or don't want you ruining their Disneyland plans. They have a life to live too so they push the surgery. That is shitty for their patients. Taking their own schedule out of it though, a cesarean is less work, less grief. When they do surgery they are in control of our birth. When we labor and we birth, our bodies are in control. There is some degree of the unknown to both, but for the most part, there is less guessing when it's a cesarean.

And that is shitty for us as patients.

Because our bodies are generally made to have baby after baby. Our bodies are not meant to have surgery after surgery. Our bodies don't recover the same way because our bodies our fighting something unnatural when healing from a cesarean. When we have a natural birth, our bodies are more likely to repair the damage as easily as a paper cut. I like to think of it like this: When you lose weight, slowly and methodically, you're body goes back to normal. It heals itself. Your skin tighten. Your muscles will become strong. Your bones will breathe a sigh of relief. When you lose weight by say, a gastric bypass, your body freaks the fudge out and you look like a zombie for like six months and you have the possibility of bursting your stomach open if you eat too much.

One way is better than the other. One way is less damaging. One way is safer. But sometimes, people do the other way because it is medically necessary. All too often, people do the other way because the results are much faster, even if the recovery is slower.

Recovering from the cesarean was not fun. My nerves were so shot in that area that I could barely stand for anyone to touch it - even me - until recently. Having gallons and gallons of stored up water pouring out of you and trying to get to the bathroom on time while in the hospital recovering was horrifying. Getting into bed was...awful. Going number 2 was EXCRUCIATING. The scar is lopsided and while it is fading, it is ugly. I look at it and hate what I went through. I hate that I didn't get the birth I hoped for. I hate that I remember the way the doctor touched me. I hate that my brain can recall the burning sensation from the Cervidil and how I was treated in the hospital.

When I let the strong, resilient Megan fall away the truth comes out. I don't think emotionally I can handle it... if I had to be touched like that again. If I had to be poked and prodded and left with a dirty feeling and bruised arms.

How will I be able to enjoy pregnancy when I know what could be waiting for me at the end? And what will that do for my stress levels?

One of the huge reasons why I had pre-eclampsia at all was because of the stress I was under that year. There was a lot going on. But pregnancy-wise, life was beautiful. Everything looked great. I was blissfully unaware of what lay ahead.

Now I know. Now I know what I could be up against. I'll be fretting and worrying the whole dang time if I'm going to start to swell. And if I do, sure it could be nothing. But I won't be so quick to dismiss it like I was last time. I figured, pregnant women swell. Duh.

Uhh. No.

I just know, I'll be stressing about trying not to stress. I'll try to keep myself calm but I'll be on the very edge. For a moment in December, I said we could start trying in February.

What the hell was I thinking?

February is just moments away and I can't be working full time and schooling and moming and wifing and having a dirty house and being so fat and trying to build a career and NOT STRESS OUT.

So I feel doomed before I even begin. And that's just labor. When I think about failing at breastfeeding again, pumping for another 10+ months, the struggle in bonding... I can barely breathe.

It breaks my heart. I feel my heart ripping because what is something so beautiful was so hard for me and has left me so broken in so many ways.

But then I see my boy.

He's pure joy. He's incredible. Would I wish him away to have a better labor? Not in a million years. I would endure the greatest suffering if it meant seeing him smile, or laugh, or cry, or yell BONK and then hit his head on purpose.

I would do anything for him.

And in a moment of righteous stubbornness I think, I would do anything for my next one too.

But that doesn't mean I should have to.

There are situations I faced in my pregnancy that I could not control.

There were situations in my labor that I could not control.

But the care I receive IS and SHOULD BE in my control.

How to be Deliberate

I would just like to say that most of the time, in life, I have no idea what I'm doing. I look at other adults and I'll think, "Wow. When will I be a grown up?" I don't feel grown up ya'll. A mortgage and a child does not an adult make.

I looked up the word adult, as I am wont to do, and it says "a person who is fully grown and developed." I'll go on record here. I may be fully grown but I do not feel developed. I feel in progress. That's probably how we all feel but most adults don't cop to it. For some reason people think being an adult means you have it all figured out.

I don't have it figured out but I do have a vague idea of what I would like my future to look like. It is better to keep the vision of your future a little blurry because whatever you visualize, you need to be flexible. Have a few main points and leave the rest to the imagination. Just my advice, take it or leave it. In my few years on earth I have found that people fall really hard when they get to a point in their life where they should have what they envisioned and don't.

I recognized what I wanted in 2014 and I sought after it. This year, I need to be Deliberate in the choices I make to get where I need to be. 

I've never done that before. My plan has always been to just live day-to-day and wherever I end up, be happy about it. I'm not knocking that method because it works. And I don't want to be overly thoughtful where every single situation has to be some long drawn out thing. I can't do that either. I want to deliberate in my day-to-day activities so that I end up somewhere close to my goals.

I've narrowed down a few ways to be Deliberate in 2015. I plan to use what works and adjust if something doesn't. These are just some things I'm going to try.

Plan the Week:
It all starts here for me. Planning your week is like setting mini-goals and crossing them off one by one. It encourages communication and gives you something to expect. I need that so badly in this season of my life.

Bryan and I already have a few processes to help guide our weeks, but they aren't used to their full capacity. We both use our Google calendars and have widgets on our home screens. We check it often before making plans to see if anything is scheduled. We're not as detailed as we should be on it. It's mainly used for school, gigs, etc. I'm much better at recording things and I'll block off nights when we need to do something specific.

We also have a planner that I bought from Plum Paper Designs and reviewed here. (Note: That review is one of my most popular posts of all time!) It may seem redundant, but I write all events in that planner and make sure that the online calendar and the written one match. The physical planner shows the flow of our family including events, income, outgo, plans big purchases, tracks meals, household chores, special dates, etc. The planner is an accurate representation of the flow of our family. I actually just ordered my second one and I can't wait for it's arrival. I changed a few things that I think will be huge in my quest to be Deliberate.

My goal is to sit down with Bryan on a weekly basis and go over the upcoming week. As of now, I tend to do it myself and not at all on a regular basis. This is crucial to having purposeful days. Who is going to be doing what, when are they going to do it and how much is it going to cost, if anything? It'll help Bryan and I be on the same page.

Manage the Finances:
I don't have much to say here because we haven't developed a system that works yet. The best I can offer is to ask the important people in your life how they manage their finances. Ask them what weaknesses they've experienced and armed with that information, build your own plan. You might be best suited to an Excel Spreadsheet where I may be more of a Binder kind of gal.

We've tried things in the past that just haven't stuck. This year, I decided to add in the monthly bill tracker to our planner. I've realized that instead of creating a bunch of new processes, I need to consolidate processes into the ones I'm already using.

Because we now have two independent businesses, we need to plan for big purchases and build them into the monthly budget. This includes Christmas, car registrations, music equipment, etc. Bryan and I tend to look at our finances day-by-day and we need to incorporate looking at the big picture.

Identify Needs:
In the beginning months of this year, I want to identify and define our "normal" as much as possible.

- What nights should we cook?
- What nights need to be leftover nights?
- Does that mean we should double certain nights recipes?
- What night are we usually home so we can talk finances?
- How long has it been since our last date night?
- What nights can I going to the gym?
- What nights do I need to do homework?
- When does Bryan need to practice with the band?
- When will I write?

We have never looked at our life like that. We just wake up, do our thing, get home and we're like, yeah. We are home tonight. Let's cook. Or Bryan's gone.. I think I'll blog. Everything is just...fit in wherever it can go. You never know what to expect. Food goes bad because we don't plan to cook it. Money is wasted when we don't communicate. Friendships suffer when you don't see each other for weeks on end.

When you have a baseline of what to expect it's much easier if you veer off course because you know what to come back to.

Cultivate Relationships:
I have a bad habit of withdrawing when life gets busy. I haven't seen Colleen in forever. I hadn't seen my mom in forever before Christmas. Being deliberate with my time will account of the people that I love and relationships I want to invest in. I want to be a source of encouragement and stability. I don't want to just tell my loved ones I love them. I want to show them.

Have Grace:
Life is fluid and changes in an instant. I don't want to be rigid. It's counter-intuitive. I just want to have a plan, while knowing that plans change. I want to have grace for myself and for others.

As I've wrapped my mind about being deliberate in 2015, I've realized that there are many ways to skin a cat. The most important thing in my mind is to be thoughtful in what I am doing, how I am spending my time and where I am headed. Instead of treading water this year I want to swim.

ETC Vlog: New Year Party!

We did it! We successfully vlogged our New Years Eve celebration! My plan for 2015 is to incorporate more video onto the blog - not just for the blog itself, but for my own memories. It is a huge step for us.

My writing is always honest and mostly, extremely candid. I can write while experiencing a multitude of emotions and while you may feel it in the words I use, you can't see it. It is extremely personal to put emotion, to put a body that you aren't happy with or proud of, or a dirty house on video for all to see. I can't help but feel exposed.

But, this is our life. This body is my body and my house is my house. I'm walking it, living it and just as I want to write about it, I want to capture it. This is Shepherd's childhood and while we snap photos on our phones all the time, I rarely capture video. My new goal for 2015 is to capture more real life on video - and to share it on my blog.

I hope that you enjoy it. This is new, but I'm hoping you will trust me and know that I wouldn't make such a decision lightly. I'm going to be as real and as vulnerable on camera as I am in my writing.

But hopefully I don't ugly cry.

:)

So, without further ado - this is how we rang in the new year!

Building the Word for 2015

In the beginning of December, I started to think about what my word would be for 2015. I had already determined that my word for 2014, Strive, was absolutely on point. I challenged myself and refined processes that were lacking in my life. I took steps to further my career and made myself vulnerable by pursuing a passion. With confidence, I can say that I pushed myself to strive in 2014.

I asked myself: How could I build on the work I've already done? I know that the coming year has to rest on the foundation laid in the prior year but also make sense for the the season I am in. I made the decision to invest in my future in 2014. I don't expect to see a full return in 2015, but I know that I have to be in a position to make the most out of the investment I made. Does that make sense? It seems so... hard to explain. Let me try to break it down further.

I began playing an unfamiliar game in 2014. I understood the goal but was a tad fuzzy on the rules, so I figured I would learn as I went. In 2015, I would focus on using strategy to win the game. When it comes to strategy, the most important tool is to recognize what is working and what is not. Then, it's about knowing how to re-calibrate mid-game.

That is the best way I can put it. I had already taken the time to review the great strides I had made at becoming a functioning adult. What I did not do is review my margin of failure. I did not get a 5/5 out of each goal. The next question had to be which goals did I fail to achieve and why? Here are the goals I failed:

Get my house in order.

Save more money.

Ask for help. 

Do it. 

Go to Vegas, see Britney. 

It's less encouraging to look at each goal as a pass/fail. I had nine total goals and on the fail list up there... well, there's five. So that sucks. But I'm shaking it off and I still feel like a winner. I look at those goals and I don't see the failure, I see the progress that I have made and that Bryan has made. He was essential in getting the house in order. He and his Dad did all the big projects and he did most of the deep cleaning. I am happy to say that I contributed by trying to be less of a hurricane, doing laundry and by purging all the crap we had in our house. I even cleaned the bathrooms a time or two. Go me!

I see that we couldn't quite gain traction in saving money but other than my schooling, house and one car, we have no other debt. I see the teamwork in paying bills, the many conversations, and budgets we set (even if they failed). I look back and see all the meals we made at home and the nights out we turned down. Progress is progress!

Of all of those, the one that feels like a punch in the gut and a huge revelation all at the same time is fighting my inability to ask for help. I grew up feeling like an afterthought, far from special or important. I developed an inner voice that recites, "You aren't worth showing up for." It is what I told myself when my sisters left for college and rarely (if ever) made it back for any of my school functions or birthdays, when my Dad was too drunk to pick me up for school or hell, even walk me down the aisle. It is what has kept me from making friends or drawing any attention to myself. This inner voice is detrimental to my self-worth, my relationships, my marriage and my future. I couldn't put it into words until 2014 and after I did I realized that it was a MAJOR player in what I faced in 2012/2013. It is the reason I never asked for help and why I never felt worthy when it was given.

I have been in friendships, romantic relationships and jobs that I would go above and beyond for and would be met with silence when I was in need, or when I wanted to take the next step. My friend Colleen is the catalyst that caused me to identify this issue. She came to me in a time when I had nothing to give, when I was so sad and so broken and she poured into me and encouraged me. In that, grew a desire to expect more from the people/relationships/job in my life. I think on it now and realize that she made me feel worth something at a time that I felt worthless. At first it made me so uncomfortable. How could I ever repay her? I felt indebted because surely there was a catch. And when I would voice it to her, she would kindly tell me to shut the hell up.

Because of that, I started to question that inner-voice and soon I started to get a little fiesty with it. When I felt that I wasn't "whatever" enough I would tell myself: I am WORTH showing up for. I am worth staying sober for. I am worth investing in. I deserve more than broken promises. I deserve more than an entry-level job. I deserve more that just accepting what is easy accessible or given. I can do more. I can be more. I won't accept scraps and I won't settle for less. I have a purpose and I'm worth pursuing it.

I started with asking for my work to believe in me and to support me in going to school but they weren't able to financially help. It was a stumbling block, but I refused to let it stop me. They encouraged me to apply anyways and said they would support me an any way that they could. My heart was sure that the program would turn me down. I expected a letter nicely saying "Thanks, but no thanks. You aren't educated enough. You aren't worth investing in." When I received the yes phone call saying that they didn't care that I didn't have a degree, that they wanted me in the program and they would train me to be successful in school business I was thrown. So Bryan and I said we'd figure the money stuff out and I was off on my new path.

This program is intense and with all of the other things I was juggling, there were times that I needed help. I would say that I just sucked it up and didn't ask for help about 60% of the time. But my progress lies in the 40% that I did. I asked for help and sometimes the answer was yes. Sometimes it was no. At first, I took no's hard. What was most likely a conflict of timing or availability, I took personally. And from the depths of me I would hear, "See?" I would falter for a moment only to rally a moment later. No does not mean this person doesn't love me or won't show up for me. Sometimes no is just no. Just like that, I would be back on the path of changing that inner dialogue.

Can I just pause and say DANG I didn't mean to get this heavy in this post. Yikes. Sorry about that.

The last two failures were Do it and Go to Vegas, See Britney. Having a goal of "Do it" really equates to "Stop being lazy and stressed out and DO SOMETHING PRODUCTIVE." Ya'll know I'm lazy. Sooooo lazy. Which is a problem because successful people don't have the luxury of being lazy. At least, not all the time. I knew I had to fight that and stop wasting so much dang time! I wasted much less time in 2014... But I was still lazy. I'm pretty sure this is going to be an ongoing struggle. I don't think you ever overcome true laziness. You just learn to compartmentalize your lazy. There has been progress but there can be much, much more.

Then there was Go to Vegas which on the grand scale of "life goals" is on the "Not Essential but Would be Nice" end. So I'm not sweating it.

Since I've been extra chatty, I'm going to try to wrap up all my crazy as quickly as possible. I mentioned in my last post that for most of year I felt like I was scrambling. Because of that, I definitely did not feel like I was succeeding. Now, when I say scrambling, I definitely do not mean hustling which is completely different. There was a lot of hustle going on. Hustle happens when you are trying to chase dreams. Hustling and scrambling are two very different things and most of the time that I was hustling, I felt like I was scrambling. Which was not ideal OR efficient.

I believe that this was essential in why I failed these goals. I was accomplishing tasks as they came to knock them out out of the park and be on to the next, because there was no time to waste. Life is like that sometimes. But there is also something to be said for being thoughtful in your plans. To have an organized way of dealing with everyday life, with goals, with dreams. I knew that to make the most out of my investments, there could be no more flying by the seat of my pants.

In 2015, I plan to be Deliberate. Intentional. Purposeful. Organized.

My plan is to dedicate time to prepare for desired outcomes. My goal is to have a successful and efficient approach to tasks and relationships by being thoughtful with my time and resources.

I have a few ideas on how to accomplish it and I'm still researching others. There will be trial and error. I am not expecting to get this right the first time... But my strategy is to be Deliberate about what I do in this season, so I can win the game.

Strive

We made it through 2014. We are standing on the precipice of a new year which is exciting, exhilarating and frankly a little nerve-wracking. Most of us are wondering what 2015 will look like for us and maybe even mapping out a plan or identifying a few goals. I know I've been thinking about it, but I feel like I couldn't get much planning done without taking the time to reflect on the past year. How will I know what needs to be addressed in the upcoming year without looking at what was accomplished in the past one? As I started poking around in twenty-fourteen, what I found kinda blew me away.

Many times this year, I felt my wheels spinning but never really felt like I was making headway. You know when you are driving on a freeway with train tracks running parallel to you? And on the train tracks there is a train, but you can't quite tell if it's actually moving or if it's standing still? That's how I felt. I was doing a lot but I wasn't getting anywhere. I couldn't see what was actually changing because there was so much movement. Before I compared my year to the goals I had written, I didn't feel like I had gotten anywhere at all.

Do you ever look at my blog history? It's in the left margin of this page and sorts my post history by year, then month. My research began there. This entry will be my 109th post (for this year). One hundred and nine blog posts. That's an average of 2.09 entries a week for the past year. The topics range from my on-going struggle with weight, motherhood, career goals, beauty reviews, my new business and various events and emotions. A lot of content that I don't really see as a whole. I work on each blog post individually and once it's sent out into the universe it's rare that I go back. This post prompted me to do just that. I can tell you without a doubt if I had continued to research and found that those 108 blog posts were all I had made tangible headway on, I would be proud. That means I dedicated time and effort into my first love, writing. And that ain't no small thing.

If you haven't gathered it on your own, I had low expectations in the progress I had made this year. I'm working on a whole lot of areas in my life and everyone knows, when you do that, you tend to give less than 100%. I felt that is where I was headed. There has been a whole lot of treading water and putting out fires in the last moment, and in my mind, if you're scrambling like a crazy person you are probably not succeeding. Sure, I gave myself credit for the big steps in my professional life and the hours upon hours of homework I've done. I'll be honest, saying "it's been intense." is an extreme understatement. Plus, I'm following a passion by starting Lauriana Cosmetics (LC), which is so out of character for me. Half the time I feel like a fraud and half the time I feel like I'm on top of the world for pursuing something that I love so much. I've made myself vulnerable by daring to dream bigger and accepting any possible failure I may face. Which is huge for a girl that is paralyzed by the thought of rejection.

Imagine my surprise when I looked back at my year and realized that I'm sort of a badass.

In January, I selected a word of the year, Strive, and followed up with specific things I was going to Strive for. I tried to be as honest as I could when I wrote them and at that time, the USC program and LC weren't even on my radar. I reviewed them and gave myself a score on how I did.

Get my house in order.

3.5/5 - Our backyard has been landscaped, bookcases have been built, loads and loads of household items and clothes have been donated/sold/thrown away. We eat at home more. We clean the house more. We do our laundry more frequently. It has relieved a lot of stress. However, we still have processes to work out and routines to finalize. It's not great, but it's better.

Read at least 5 books.
5/5 - I read quite a few books in Hawaii and although I can't name most of them, I know I definitely read more than five. Part of this goal was to read two books that were out of my comfort zone. Done and done. I read Gone Girl by Gillian Flynn and the JonBenet - Inside The Ramsey Murder Investigation written by detective Steve Thomas, a lead detective on the case. Gone Girl just rocked my world and was infuriating and the Jon Benet Ramsey investigation broke my heart and made me cry. Poor sweet girl. Ugh. Since I tend to read romantic novels with happy endings, these books qualify for WAY WAY out of my comfort zone.

Save more money. 

2/5 - If saving money means eating at home more, shopping smart and spending down your savings to pay for a ridiculously expensive program to receive my CBO certificate, I win. If it doesn't, I failed. I decided to give myself a little credit but since our savings is less than it was, well, I can't give myself a great score. This year I spent money to start a new website and business, to invest in it and to set up my school business career. The investment was worth it and next year will be about seeing those investments pay off.

Write, regularly.
5/5 - I already mentioned this, but just to really drive it home: In 2013 I blogged a total of 29 times. I mentioned earlier I blogged 109 times in 2014. That is 3.75 times more than what I did in 2013. Win, win, win!

Learn something new.
5/5 - I wrote "Take a class to learn a new skill or refine an old one." I meant take a sewing class or go to a makeup conference, but I'm pretty sure the USC School Business Management Program counts. Tenfold.

Let go.
5/5 - I let go. Let go of fear. Let go of the safety zone. I wore bright and bold lipsticks. I became a USC Trojan. I started a business. I'm working on a big project for this blog. I did it. And I'm still doing it, but I feel confident enough to call it a win.

Ask for help.
3/5 - I've definitely reached out for help. I haven't always gotten it, but I've reached out. I'm not counting it a full win because it took me most of the year to work up my courage and when out of the few times I asked I got a "No." I took it hard. Personally. I waited until I was at the final hour to ask for help and no one was there and I took it hard. I'm working on making myself ask for help before I'm drowning. I'm trying to make myself understand that hearing 'no' when I'm in need does not equal 'I don't love you.' or 'You're not important enough to help.' There is a lot of heaviness attached to that way of thinking and I've realized I need to change my inner dialogue.

Do it.
4/5 - It's hard to fight extreme laziness but I have really been trying. It creeps up now and again, but I've really been trying to adult it up. It has caused some minor issues with Bryan, because he'll want to play and go do things and I'll say "No. I'm working on the grocery list and getting a meal plan together." or "I can't I have a huge project due in a week and I can't procrastinate." It has also caused issues with me because I'm like "I just want to sit here and watch Jane the Virgin but I really need to do laundry and pick up around the house." I hate it, but taking care of shit makes life easier.

Go to Vegas, See Britney.
0/5 - Wooomp wooomp. I didn't make it to Vegas. I didn't see Britney Spears. Maybe next year?

Total Score: 32.5/45

I read those goals and started connecting memories to them and with each one I was more proud and exhilarated at what I had accomplished. All year I felt that I was spinning my wheels and yet I was actually doing big things. Great things. I saw great achievement in all of my goals! The only one that I outright failed was going to see Britney Spears in Vegas, which in comparison to the others, had an insignificant impact on my quality of life. Taking that "goal" out of the equation, I got 32.5 out 40 total points. 81%.

And, may I just mention again that at the time of writing those I didn't plan on embarking on a 13 month crash course in school business or starting a new company. That was all gravy on top. As I was researching, I could just feel the mental pat on the back. This is so, so encouraging. 2012 and 2013 were hard years on me. Life was chewing me up and spitting me out, over and over.

I was going through my secret tattoo inspiration board on Pinterest and one of them was a really pretty bow and arrow. Not something I'd actually get but it was the description that made me pin it.

"An arrow can only be shot by pulling it backward. So when life is dragging you back with difficulties, it means that it’s going to launch you into something great." 

I followed the pin but it was a dead end (I hate when that happens.) and when I Googled it everything came up anonymous. I wish I knew. In the Christian world, it's common to hear that when you are facing struggle, it isn't that God is orchestrating it. Bad and hard things happen. It is the way of life. But God uses those circumstances to shape you. To refine your character, your resilience. He can use those experiences to be a light to others that are walking a similar path.

I suffered in 2012 and 2013. I faced personal struggle like I had never before. In 2014 I told myself to let go and Strive for more and for better. To face fears and dream big. To do the work. I began to climb a mountain made of lies I told myself. I look back now and I see the growth. I see clearly where I was and where I am.

I can't wait to share with you where I see myself going in 2015.

Happy Christmas!

We had a Christmas full of family, fun and laughter. Amazing memories were made and delicious food was eaten. Here are a few pictures I snapped over the past week. Shepherd and Seth were playing on our new swing set, we hosted the Vickers side of the family for Christmas, Bryan and I took a selfie, the presents were waiting in the morning to be opened (and played with), there was a calm morning after the busyness of Christmas. Don't forget to check out the small clip we took on Christmas with our new Canon camera! I am awkward in it. You've been warned.

Hope you all had a Happy Christmas and I can't wait for the new year!

Lauriana Cosmetics Launch!

I've got really, really big news! 

I've started doing make-up for actual clients. I know. It's crazy. I'm completely self taught, so my prices are rock bottom. But it feels SO GOOD to be doing make-up for people. I love it. I definitely plan on going to school after my CBO program ends because this is definitely something I want to do on the side and I want to be properly trained, but for now, I'm amazed that people want me to be a apart of their special days! 

Until then, I am glad I get to do what I love while making my clients happy and confident! 

I even have an Instagram, website and I started another blog, just for my make-up journey. I'm excited to see where this goes! 

The weekend after Thanksgiving Denise was in town so we hung out. She asked me to do her make-up and I was happy to have a canvas on which to practice! We did a daytime look and then a night-time look. We both loved how it turned out. 

I have the product list on my Instagram if you want to check out what I used. If you know of anyone that wants a little help with their makeup for a special event or anything, keep me in mind! I'm affordable and getting better every day!

xo,

Megan