2013 Wrap Up Post (with Pictures)

2013 was craptastic. I've mentioned it before. 

2012 was hell on wheels and 2013 was all about the fall-out from that. 2013 held my highest highs and my lowest lows. It's true. 

Year-in-Review:

Best Moment: Shepherd. Hands down. 

Worst Moment: Having a cesarean. Being in the hospital at all. It's sooo invasive and most people are really rough. I'm pretty sure I'll be traumatized by that experience forever. Also, feeling them yanking Shepherd out of me and then closing me back up. You don't forget stuff like that.

Biggest Regret: Not taking maternity photos. Every time I see maternity photos my heart aches. Included in the photo steam below is the last picture taken of me with my bump. I sobbed so hard that I have zero photos that exude how happy and anxious I was for my boy. I tear up every time I think about it. I was robbed of so much the last few months of my pregnancy. 

Most Rewarding Moment: This is kind of a copout answer because it's ongoing but pumping. It was/is really hard. It is such a sacrifice and it's solely for the betterment of my boy. It is the most selfless thing I've ever done. 

Best Memory: I really liked having all of my sisters kids (and mine too!) together over 4th of July. 

Inspiring Moment: Watching Kari give birth, at home. A successful VBAC. It was very hard and very emotional for me because of what I had just gone through. It was painful to watch someone else having the birth experience I had so badly wanted and at the same time, I was so awestruck by my sisters strength and happy that she was getting to experience a moment that would hopefully lesson the hurt from her first birthing experience. She deserved to have that and own that moment. It was truly an emotional, layered moment for all of us, I think. 

Here is my year in pictures (with minor commentary):

The best appliance of 2013. I am sad that the carafe shattered while Bryan was cleaning it. Gotta get a new one!

My beautiful dining room step up. I need to paint the white trim though and install baseboards.

January was the beginning of my swelling.

This was in late March. Puffy everything!

The only shoes in the house that would fit me by April. This was on the way to Easter.

Kari snapped this of me after I showered and right before we went to the hospital. The last picture of me with my bump. I was swollen and completely distraught.

My malnourished little alien boy.

My best friend with my boy, my cousin, my love and my mom. Colleen stepped up and got me through one of the most trying, difficult times in my life. I don't think I would have made it without her.

I snapped this picture to send to my sisters after pregnancy. I need to get back there.

Two of my favorite women ever. 

Watching Bryan play at the Fox Theater was definitely a highlight moment.

Sweet Parker and Sassy Shepherd. These two are gonna be best friends.

Our first out of town trip as a family.

My brother in law. Spent a lot of time with him this year. I love this kid.

I was Marilyn Monroe for Halloween and I tried to do her stupid face. I look redonk.

I was a witch at work for Halloween, my go to!

Goodbye 2013!

Resolution Schmesolution

Most people (I know) are down on resolutions. I think if you need to change you shouldn't wait until the new year to do it but some people just need a kick in the pants to giterdone.

I mean, it's dreamy to think that with the new year comes a new slate. You can change your life, change your outcomes and leave the past behind. It's magical and hopeful. Hearing someone say that they think resolutions are stupid kind of sounds like someone lacks a little bit of hope for the upcoming year. 

That said, I didn't make any resolutions. 

Ha!

I suppose you could say that what I am choosing to do is like a resolution. I've decided that each month I'm going to challenge myself a few different ways. Of course I pulled Bryan into the action so he is going to participate as well. A girl always has to have a wing-man right? Right. 

For January we've decided to stay off social media. No Facebook, no Instagram, no Twitter, no Reddit. We waste a ton of time just browsing and we have a ton of other projects to work on. We need to spend our time more wisely. Also, Bryan and I have a really bad habit of just being on our phones when we are together or at home so we don't talk about anything with any sort of substance. So staying off of social media is the plan. We set some ground rules though. Obviously, I post when I write a blog to Facebook and Bryan posts his shows. Both of those things need to continue to happen. Also, we are allowed to post one picture each of us and Shepherd or just Shepherd because our family will disown us if we don't. So many of them live far away and count on our updates so we can't go cold turkey. 

It's day three. I don't think I'm going to make it. 

I've failed a few times because it is muscle memory. Without realizing it I'll pick up my phone and open Facebook or Instagram and then realize what I'm doing and exit the app. Then I just stare at my phone and wonder what to do with myself. The mindless browsing soaks up a lot more time than I even realized and I'm hoping that once I retrain my brain, I'll pick up my phone less and use that time to do other things. Like...write. 

Another huge thing about this challenge is that it forces Bryan and I to talk. NOT FUN. Bryan takes so much energy. It's exhausting. And to fill the silence he will just speak nonsense. He'll talk, talk, talk and then pick apart every. single. thing. I say and I get SO MAD and I'm just like STOP. STOP TALKING. JUST STOP.

It's fun. 

You can feel the love, huh? 

In all honesty we have had some good conversations about random things. I can't think of any though. 

AND! Yesterday we had a good 10 minutes of almost getting going on cleaning the house and then it fizzled out. We high-fived on that one because baby steps. 

I gave Bryan another challenge of posting 4 YouTube videos this month. One a week. I hope he does it! He keeps saying that he needs to so I was like that's your challenge! Easy.

I gave myself the awesome task of getting my crap organized. My house is cray ya'll and I need to get things set up. I started last night by moving all the laundry into the living room so Bryan could sort it and we could just run those loads through. I moved some furniture around in our room to create a vanity area and then I sat down and ate five Hershey kisses with almonds. 

In related news, I'm trying to eat healthier and get back into the gym because we are going to Hawaii and I gotta look sexy(ish) for it. I want to be able to hike things without feeling like I'm going to die. Although, I most likely will anyways. 

Another goal is to go see my homegirl, Britney Spears. How much do I love her album? Too much. I've been fan-girling all over the place about that girl. I watch the documentary on...E!? Was it E!? I don't know. I loved it. I got so excited and told Bryan I'll die - just DIE! if I don't see her. I may have also said I would never ever ever forgive him if he didn't take me. Can't say for sure. 

I was going to stop writing forever.

I was. It's true.

Okay maybe not, forever forever. Just on the blog forever. I am not a good blogger. I don't find that my life is worth blogging. I am horrible at taking pictures and documenting things. I have the memory of a goldfish.

Also....have you seen the photog skills? Sheesh. Ah-mazing.

I mentioned in my last post that I just didn't have anything good/happy/positive to write about. No one wants to read Debbie Downer's blog! I talked myself into just letting it go. Once I made the decision to stop something funny happened.

Random people kept mentioning my writing.

My boss was searching for a new job and one of her references asked me to write the letter for her, specifically saying that I was such a great writer and that she missed my blog posts. (My boss got the job and that reference became my new boss. Funny how things work out.)

Bryan brought it up a few times.

My sisters Alison and Kari brought it up at sister dinner.

Another co-worker said that the taco soup recipe I shared is one that her family loves and they laugh every time they read my post while cooking. And they make it often and always double the recipe because it's gone the next day.

I was contacted by a reader I don't know in real life asking where I had gone.

Honestly, I was like... what the heck. I decide to stop writing and all of a sudden it's every where I look. No one had said one word to me before I mentally decided I was done. I didn't even tell anyone! Not even Bryan!

I'm gonna just go ahead and be real here. God and I... we're on the outs. I'm angry at Him and He dang well knows it. There has been a whole lot of talking and not a whole lot of listening on my end. I'm okay with this because I know He can handle my anger. He understands. I'm not going to offend God with my anger, shouts and cries. Not even my cuss words. I feel a peace about the fact that I'm raging and hurt and angry. I also feel that my grace period is coming to a rapid end.

Another real moment: I adore my mother-in-law. She says things and those things stick with me. During a conversation about how alike (read: stubborn) we are, I mentioned that sometimes I'm not sure if it's God talking to me or it's me talking to me. She said that God often confirms things with her in three's. She'll see something, someone will tell her something specific, whatever it is, it'll happen three times. She'll say to herself, "Okay, this isn't just me." That taught me to really pay attention and know that God will confirm himself to me, even if it's in a way that is specific to me.

Back to my point. So I make this decision without consulting the Almighty, that I am just done with writing. And all of a sudden everyone and their mother is mentioning my writing in some fashion, to the point where (without me looking for confirmation) I was like what. the. heck. And then there was just this slap-in-the-face moment where I was like... DUH. Maybe I'm not supposed to stop. Maybe this is God trying to convey to me that this decision was not acceptable.

I thought on that for a while. Writing has always been a constant for me. My entire life I've said that one day I want to write a book. I've had my pen named picked out since I was a little girl. Maybe cutting myself off from writing would be detrimental to my psyche. I don't know.

I'm still figuring it all out.

2013 Deserves a Punch... In the face.

Oh... Hi.

I think it's incredibly lame to have a 5 month hiatus from the blog and then post on New Years Eve, alas, here I am. Sitting in Bakersfield while Bryan gigs and Shepherd sleeps.

We are staying at a family friends house and their dog, Charlotte Mae is snoring next to me. Loudly. The gas fire is not crackling but it's pretty and there is an ambiance about it. Isn't it so writer-y to have a fire while typing a blog post? Yes. I dig it.

What can I tell you about the past few months? Why I haven't written? I have. I just haven't posted. I write and save it to my drafts folder in my e-mail and then never look at it again. Are you wondering why? I don't know. It's not you. It's me.

Seriously, it's me. I haven't posted anything because everything that flies from these fingertips is negative. It's ugly. Sad. Heavy. I have nothing funny to say. Or crazy. Or anything. I haven't decorated. I haven't organized. I haven't cooked. I haven't accomplished anything real in the past nine months. So there is nothing to write about. All the thoughts that swirl around this brain are bad. I haven't been in a happy season in a long, long time. I don't want to always be dumping. I don't want people to stop reading my blog because I'm just so sad and they can't take reading another weighty word-fest from me.

One of my biggest fears is that people will jump to the conclusion that I am never happy. I mean, c'mon. I have moments. Bryan and Shepherd, my boys.... I get tastes of joy when I'm around them. Shepherds presence lightens my soul. When I'm wrestling with him, kissing him, watching him climb and pound and play... man. The dark clouds are swept away for a while and I can breathe easy for a while. Shepherd goes to sleep or I go to work and poof. It's dark again. Bryan reminds me of why I'm blessed. He points things out and brings me back. I believe in it all for a while.

Look at my house! Sure, it's messy and dusty but I have a roof over my head. Many people don't. Look at my car! It's new to us! Look at all the room! Not everyone has a car that even functions and I have this spiffy one. Look at my clothes, my opportunity, my family, my everything. I am not ungrateful for one single iota of it. I am so, so very rich compared to people all across the world. It's just that I don't feel anything for it.

The things I have around me do not fill me with joy. I cannot use those items to clear the persistent fog in my head, around my heart. I come home and see my things but do not care enough to dust them. Or pick them up. I don't want to deal with any of it. I don't have it in me to deal with it.

What I am trying to say, 2013, is that you were an asshat. If you were a person I would punch you and not even feel bad about it. However, I am nice enough to give credit where credit is due. Thank you for being the year in which my son was born. For teaching me true sacrifice so someone else can flourish. Thank you for teaching me that I am stronger than I ever thought possible, while at the same time breaking me down into tiny pieces that I may never truly knit back together the way they were before.

2014 is on the horizon and it's the first time in a long time that I'm truly excited. Not just faking it. That small emotion gives me hope that the sun is rising and soon I'll be able to feel the warmth.

Cheers.


*sorry about the a-bomb. I gotta keep it real, even if it's not pleasant.