Wednesday, August 13, 2014

The Value of A Moment

When I go through major life changes, I tend to get nostalgic for the past. Am I the only one who does that? Probably not. But it's a ritual of mine. I seek out memories that stir up those good emotions, feeling loved, safe, happy and I surround myself in them while continuing to charge forward into the unknown.

I have a few memories that I recall every time and one in particular reflects on time spent with my Vavo. My dad's mom spoke very little English. Half the time she did not understand what we were saying and would just shrug her shoulders and shake her head.

I think in that moment she was silently cursing my parents and the fact that they didn't teach us Portuguese. Maybe I'm just projecting.

Anyways, I miss her. I miss her pats on my shoulder. She was the only grandmother that was close to us as kids. She was at every function. I remember being young and going to stay with her on the weekends. I would always be upset that I had to "babysit" Vavo. But I'd get there and we'd watch shows and she'd give me her diabetic-friendly cookies. I'd heat us up dinner and ultimately fall asleep on her leather couch. She'd always put one of her stale smelling afghan blankets on me and go to bed. 

Those are precious moments now. Even though I would get mad at my parents as a kid, I had no way of knowing that I would recall those memories as an adult during times that I felt unsettled and apprehensive about my life. I think that is how it is with everything. Bryan and I have friends and family members going through specific life stages and we remember going through them ourselves. We see now the steps we took to create a bad situation and know what we should have done instead. To see people we love making some of those tell-tale choices is heartbreaking for us. We want to shake their shoulders and try to reason with them. Look at the big picture! You have no idea the mess you are making, we know, we've been there. 

Instead, we just wait and watch. Praying that they get through it the way we did. Praying we get through what we're going through now the way people before us did. It's all a cycle. In my old age (har har), I've learned that once these events pass you by, they are gone. You'll wish for them back. You'll want to hold on to that moment or recreate ones that you stupidly missed. 

I've only been on earth for (almost) 27 years. In that short time I have missed a lot of experiences because I was too busy focusing on something else. I'm trying not to do that even though I'm in a really busy season of life. I know that while I'm desperately attempting not to miss certain moments that I'll miss other ones. It's a hard balance to strike.

How do you decide what is worth all your attention and what isn't?


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