Wednesday, August 26, 2015

Holding Pattern

I'm in such a weird phase right now. I always thought that when I finished the USC course that I would start making moves to become a CBO. You know, really start my career. 

Finding out I was pregnant in the home stretch of the program was really a blessing. I was extremely happy and totally overwhelmed. But at the same time, I knew that after my program ended, I would be in a holding pattern. I wouldn't be able to get a job as a CBO because no one wants to hire a pregnant woman. 

Yeah, I know. No one would outright tell me the reason I didn't get chosen was because I was pregnant. But it doesn't matter. It is rare for someone to hire a person that will go on leave for a few weeks/months a short time after being hired. It's just the way it is. 

It's the struggle that career women face. I'm sure there are plenty of women out there that have hidden pregnancies to keep their jobs or even get hired for one, desperately wanting to provide a better life for their coming child and growing family. 

I am lucky I have a good job with good insurance for my family. That doesn't stop me from wanting to grow in my career. I wanted to move up and right now I feel stuck. I'm unsure of my future and I feel like nothing can happen until the baby is born. I'm not sure if I'll get where I want to go at my current job, even though that would be my ideal. 

I am anxiously awaiting the birth of this sweet baby girl, for many reasons. It's unfortunate that one of those reasons has to be the ability to start making some headway in my career. I've been an Account Technician for over seven years and I'm ready to see growth. I've been trying to remind myself that timing is important and God has me in this season for a reason. I'm so blessed with an amazing direct supervisor. She makes it known she believes in me and is doing her best in limited time to train me. 

I'm not so good with being patient, but I'm trying to throw all that energy into keeping myself healthy and on track so that I have the best shot at a normal birth. There are daily moments where I remind myself that a time will come and I'll be able to see sequence of events that led me right where I needed to be. It's just hard to be in the middle of it, right now. 

This discouragement has seeped into other areas in my life. I've been shopping more which is a telltale sign of my inner unrest. (It's a really, really bad habit. I've been totally blocked on this blog. Walking around the house restless and being super bummed at work. It's a slump. I know it'll get better. But it sucks so hard right now. 

I know this post is disjointed. I'm still processing. I feel a lot of conflicting emotions. One moment I'm sad, the next angry, the next disappointed. 

Sue me, I'm pregnant.


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