Monday, January 12, 2015

Thank you...

I appreciate all of you who read my blog, wrote me, emailed me and messaged me on Facebook.

I remind myself all the time, every birth is different. But the only birth I know is the one I had and when I am really honest,  I can't imagine that it'll be any different. Even if I could, I don't want to plan on not having pre-eclampsia or a cesarean again because I'd be crushed if it happened again.

I want to try to keep things as non-committal as possible because I figure I can just go with the flow. Hopefully that will keep my heart from being too attached to any one scenario. It's what I did last time which worked out when I was adamant that staples not be used on my body in any capacity during the surgery, but also worked against us because I didn't think to remind the doctors not to touch me roughly (and as I write that, I feel a surge of irritation because women shouldn't have to remind their doctors to be delicate in their private parts... but whatever.) and I didn't think to say anything after.

It's not easy to make the the choice to try for a second baby when your first experience was... varied, with a strong lean towards horrible. Then when I think of the depression I felt after, the failed breastfeeding and pumping for 10+ months, it seems unbearable.

I really don't want to experience it all over and I have no reason to believe that it will be any different. I feel that in order to be ready to expand our family, I have to acknowledge that the past may repeat itself and I have to choose to do it anyway. 

Getting it all off my chest and hearing that other women have had experiences similar to mine or have had even worse ones and still chose to try again was healing. I'm not alone in this. And while each of us had our own births with their own variables, we are all women and we all can understand the trials of another. This is why it is so essential that women share their stories. We need to talk, comfort and pray with each other. We need to fight for dignified births and it isn't just for ourselves, it is for the next generation of new mothers. If birth is like this now, what could it be in five, ten or fifteen years?

After I had Shepherd I stopped going to birthing websites. I stopped participating on forums and on social media platforms. There was just... so much pain there. And not just from myself, but from other women. I would get angry for them and then someone would comment and say something horrible to someone that had a bad experience and somehow blame them for it and I'd get ever more irate. It wasn't healthy. I had to walk away. Now that I have babies on the brain I'm wading back into the water and in my year-and-a-half absence, things haven't gotten better. It's discouraging.

However, I've changed my life since two years ago. I'm reading the Bible and establishing a relationship with Christ that I've never had before. In that alone, there is peace. I'm going to surrender that fear every moment that it bubbles up, because I have no use for it. It does nothing but hold me back.

I'm not ready to try for another child yet. I need more time. If it happens on it own, it happens. But it is time that I start researching my options and developing a plan for care that I feel comfortable with in the future.

Eating better and getting exercise will decrease my chances of having both pre-eclampsia and a c-section so I am going to focus on making some big changes in those areas. #forrealthistime and I'm also going to continue reducing all unnecessary stress in my life. All good things to do before introducing another human into our lives. :)

I am trying to balance my fears and my hope for my next birth and the pendulum swings from one extreme to the other. One moment I feel like I could do it no problem and the next I'm laying on the bed curled up like a cat because I can't bear the thought of doing it all over again. You'll never know how much the encouragement means to me. I'm giving you all a big internet hug from my couch. You're all amazing.




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