Every Saturday, I hit a new milestone in my pregnancy. This coming Saturday, I will hit 18 weeks. Everyone keeps asking me if I have found out if it's a little boy or girl yet. Apparently, with technology and the babies cooperation, many women find out at 14 weeks.
The doctors office that I was going to go through didn't set up my appointment until December 14, so we planned on having a gender reveal after that, near Christmas.
Now that I am with the midwife group, I need to cancel those appointments and figure out a new plan. I'm not rushed because I really don't want to hold on to that envelope for weeks and weeks before our gender party. I will most likely not be able to hold out.
I have my first prenatal appointment with my midwife on Friday. Obviously, I have had appointments with the doctor, but now that I've switched, I'm excited to get started.
We also start our Bradley Method classes on Thursday, which will be helpful for our home birth. We decided to go the Bradley Method route because it's partner based. Bryan will really have to step up and coach me and he'll have to get involved, which I think is great. They also teach lots of relaxation techniques to get through labor, which I'm hoping will also help me get through life. ;)
Outwardly, I'm doing well. My belly is growing, I feel better for the most part. Food is still a love/hate relationship, I am still exhausted, and I have a headache every day. I'm not joking. Head-pounding pain every single day. Its a real bummer, but I'm trying to work through it as much as possible.
Inwardly, I'm freaking out. Not about pregnancy or labor. I'm freaking out about all the details after the baby is born. I've always wanted to be a stay at home mom. I've made it pretty known since I was younger. It's important to me that I raise my kids and not a stranger. Also, we can't really afford for a stranger to raise our babies. Obviously, I'm pretty bummed that it isn't to be. I will continue working my full-time job because I am the one with health insurance. There is no way around it.
When I let myself, I start to think about how I'm going to miss out on moments that I always saw myself being there for. I think about all the smiles and giggles I'll miss. All the cuddles and meals that I won't be there for. Someone else will get to experience that. Do these caretakers realize just how lucky they really are? To see all the things parents miss?
I know more than a few stay-at-home moms and I can't help but be frustrated by some of them. They complain about having to be home. Having to do the same thing all the time. Not having money to live the life they think they should (although most of them have nicer "things" than the people I know who work full time jobs, including myself!) They get to have a clean house, clothes, moments with their kids and they aren't grateful. They get caught up in the day to day and never stop to think "Wow. So many women are out there missing out on their children's and husbands lives, because 40 hours of their week is devoted to a job." On top of that, they have to do ALL the things you do, in less time, with more stress.
With any job, at home, at work, paid or unpaid, there are moments when you hate it. I get that. Being a stay-at-home mom is not fun all the time. But I'd rather invest in my home and family than invest in a company that isn't going to remember me when I'm gone. Family is what matters. What they remember is what will keep me alive, even when I'm in Heaven with the Big Guy. I'm not saying stay-at-homers don't have a right to complain because itis hard, messy and frustrating at times. I mean, who wakes up and thinks, "Yes! I get to change more diapers today!!!" But then again, who wakes up and thinks, "Score! I get to go to work for eight hours, balance their budget, pay their employees and bills, and then go home and balance our budget, pay our bills and motivate the husband to take out the garbage!" No one, ever.
It's just hard to hear it when you know that there isn't a glimmer of hope that you'll get to be there with your kid. You'll be chained to a desk because you don't have any other choice. And you have to take some of the money you make to give to a person who is getting to spend time with YOUR child.
I just try not to let myself think about it. Every time it creeps up and my heart starts to ache and I just mentally lift it to God and say "Here ya go. That's yours, not mine." I remind myself that there are freaking awesome mom's out there that work full-time, pay for a daycare to keep their child safe and alive, make dinner, clean laundry, clean the house, find time for romance with their husband, and make memories with their kids. They go to sports games, concerts and recitals. They do it all.
If that's what I have to do, then I'll do it. Maybe with the next baby I'll get to be at home. Or, you know, maybe not.