Tuesday, November 13, 2012

Down But Not Out

I can't help but think that the baby that is innocently growing in my belly is going to be a complete stress ball, control freak when he or she grows up.

The past 15 weeks have been riddled with emotional junk. I've never felt so overwhelmed and attacked in my life. I can't seem to catch my breath. On top of all of the things I've written about lately, a week ago today, Bryan and I were sitting on the couch when we got a phone call.

Bryan's dad was having a heart attack and was being rushed to the hospital. We got there minutes later while they were trying to get him medicine and stabilized before sticking him into an ambulance and rushing him to a prepared hospital in another city. It was a span of three hours that he was in intense pain before they removed a blood clot from the main artery in the left side of his heart. As soon as that was done, they inserted a stent which provided immediate relief.

We spent the next few days in ICU where a balloon was helping his heart to beat, wondering where we were going from here. When we did get to talk to the doctor, he nonchalantly said that this heart attack is one they call the 'Widow Maker.' For six days I rushed back and forth, home and hospital, picking people up, dropping them off, getting clothes, supplies, food, trying to put in a few hours at work. Bryan was at the hospital with him for 24 hours a day from Monday night until Saturday.

It was an emotional whirlwind of a week and while Rick was released late Saturday night, I can't help but think they rushed it. He was still in pain and they didn't know where, he wasn't properly counselled on his new medicines and how he should be living his new life. It's very daunting to have your brain remain active and capable but your body cannot keep up.

I saw this with my Grandpa as he fought Parkinson's disease. What a betrayal of your body.

We are all trying to adjust. There is fear about our lifestyle, about the genes we are passing to our child, fear about what this means for Rick and if he is truly 'out of the woods.'

Having things like this happen really opens your eyes to who you have around you, lifting you up in times of struggle. It creates new relationships and deepens others.

While I am emotionally treading water, dealing with the physical changes my body is doing and the emotional crap-storm I have been facing lately, I am trying to keep my focus on these new relationships. My bible study, my family members, my husband, my baby. Its all worth it. I may want to run and hide, cry until I'm numb and just shut down, but I remind myself that God has me right where I need to be, and He won't give me more than I can handle. He is doing a mighty work in me.

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