Friday, January 20, 2012

Standing Still, Moving Along

It is amazing to me that I can sit here months and months after my last post and all I really have to say is that nothing much has changed. There haven't been any epiphanies, no babies, and beyond a few pounds, I'm still the same weight, wearing the same clothes, working the same job, and living the same life as when I wrote the last post. 

Maybe that is just me being a downer. Bryan seems to think I've been more downer-y lately. What can I say? I've lost my zeal. My zest for life. My joy. Where has it gone? Was it buried in the 50 pounds I gained in the first two years of marriage? Have the seven or eight pounds I have lost mean NOTHING? Because I can't really tell. My skin is tighter. My love handles are a little *less* pronounced. But its not yet at the point where I can be like, YEAH! Eating less crap, working out more is working! Woo hooooo! I'm still at the, I loathe the gym and damn, that Oreo cookie looks frickin' bomb right now. 

On top of that? My house is utter chaos right now. There is zero organization. No routine. Despite my attempts earlier in 2011 there is just no structure. When I try, Bryan fights against it with all he can because he doesn't want to be... I don't know... for lack of better words, "broken in". He wants to hold on to the spontaneity. He doesn't want to deal with the constants; Bills, home improvement, the endless mail, dishes, general cleaning or outdoor projects. 

And it makes me not want too either. That's bad right? It seems bad... typing it right now. Bryan doesn't want to, which makes me not want too. He doesn't want a nice house, full of DIY projects that we accomplish together at a fraction of the cost. He doesn't really want anything in the house. He would be fine with a couch, a TV, a bed, and his animals. And I guess, me. 

I want a nice house. Don't misread that as "I want a lavish house full of expensive stuff." no. No. I want a nice house. A lived in house. Comfortable, cozy. I want it to look like I didn't go to Ross to furnish it, but I want to pay Ross prices. I want a place where friends can gather, a place I can breathe and relax in. I want to be able to find things when I need them. I want there to be clean towels after I take a shower or when dishes need drying.

But when Bryan doesn't want that, I find myself not wanting it. Wanting isn't the right word. I still WANT those things. I find myself without the drive to ACCOMPLISH those things. Why would I have the drive to do something all by myself that won't even work if I don't have my husband backing me up, helping me? And somethings I can't even do on my own. Like hang things that are heavy... or hanging things that aren't heavy STRAIGHT. I have a crooked eye. Not literally, but figuratively. I'll hang something and be like OH look I am awesome. And then walk by it twenty minutes later to be like... Was there an earthquake or was that me? Daaaaang that kind of sounded like a fat joke. Sad face. 

Back on point, in a condensed version of this entire post, I'm stupid. I feel like I'm not moving forward in any way. Personally, professionally, spiritually. Maybe I'm just in that post-Christmas funk. Except I wasn't super happy during Christmas, so maybe I'm just being normal. 

I want to end this by saying that I may be all woe is me, I suck, but I came to this conclusion a while ago. And I'm already changing things. Not to prove it to anyone else but myself that regardless of what the people around me want, I can still be me. I can live for Jesus and myself and others all at the same time. So, I'm back in the gym, trying to eat right, creating jewelry, trying to quit wasting money at Target, getting involved with politics again, involved in the children's ministry at church, involved in a leading a life group at a neighboring church with my in-laws, and now I'm starting the long process of becoming a CASA volunteer. And I'm even slowly but surely working on my house. 

Fake it 'til you make it. Smile and the whole world will smile with you. Choose happiness. Whatev, yo. Just live.


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