Ham Sandwich

Last night, I did something I thought would never be done. I thought it would never be done because some may call me (read: I call myself) the master of procrastination and/or evasion. Because, here is the deal. I didn't WANT to do this. It is tedious, time consuming and while the end results in a feeling of a heavy boulder lifting off of my shoulders, I still stayed away. I'm smart.

Last night, I labeled, sorted and filed a crapload of papers. (I just added crapload into my dictionary. So it IS a word. Sucka.) Specifically, I went through that box of papers I blogged about a few weeks ago. Yeah. The one I kept pretending wasn't there? I finally went through it.

CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?

After successfully pretending this box of papers didn't exist for eight months, I finally faced it. Wow. I'd give myself major kudos if it wasn't so pathetic that it took eight months for me to get organized.

Bryan and I were prepping for doing our taxes tonight. Which snowballed into, "WHERE IS THAT RECEIPT FROM THAT THING WE DID TO THE HOUSE?" That was me. Then Bryan would be like, "I like pineapples." or some equally random statement that had nothing to do with the task at hand.

Then I would turned into a green Godzilla-like monster and growl something about him being unhelpful and the last thing I needed was for him to be difficult and WHERE WAS THE RECEIPT?

So, then he'd tell me to stop being a martyr and that he WAS helping and then start rambling on about unicorns that wear plaid button-up shirts or something equally helpful and on point.

What I am trying to say, is that we had a great night.

Anyways, prepping for tax night was why I had to go through all those papers. Actually, no. Untrue. I had to go through all those papers because I couldn't find those receipts. Had there not been a necessity to find those receipts, well, the box wouldn't probably still be invisible to me. I fought the box and the box won. Or something like that.

And before a certain family member of mine comments,  I am aware that if I was organized during the year, I wouldn't be turning into a green Godzilla-like monster and pulling my hair out and generally scaring everyone except my husband who is immune to me.

I'm working on it. Thanks.

Anywho... I'm pretty sure that I have everything I need for my taxes. And if not, oh well. I'll work with what I got and there is that.

On a entirely unrelated note, I permed my hair. I am aware that the word perm is scary and images of the mid 1980s to 1990s come to ones mind when it is uttered. Fortunately, on me, its more like a body wave and it's cute except that I don't know how to actually style my hair.... which is a problem.

Another problem, is that whenever I YouTube videos about how to style your curly locks, well, videos of black women come up. Obviously, this is not a problem in general, but it is a problem for me seeing as I am not black, and my hair is radically different from their hair.

All this to say that, I'm having maturity and hair issues. What can I say? I'm a work in progress.

What you might be wondering is why the title of this post is Ham Sandwich. There is no other reason that that is what I had for lunch today and it was the first thing I thought of when I put my cursor there. I'm black and white that way.

Err... pun not intended.

Today?

I miss my Dad.

That's all.

Hi.

I feel like it's more often than not that I assure my readers (aka: my mom and sister) that I am not yet dead. However, they already are aware of this so I'll skip it.

Where have I been?

Inspirationless. Is that a word? I don't think so. I went through that bout of depression that I have blogged about and while the fog is lifting I haven't gotten any type of drive back. No fire. My bum is fireless.

I am, however, at a point where I don't want to spend money. I don't want to shop for clothes, I don't want to shop for food, I don't want to buy household items, I don't want to decorate. All of that is good for the bank account. Except for the food part, because when you don't buy groceries, you don't make things. When you don't make things, you buy town food.

When we were little, we rarely ate fast food. I remember when McDonald's had their Wednesday night $.59 hamburgers, we'd get them and they were the best. ever. If we would get Taco Bell on a Friday night before watching TGIF, we were allowed one "special item" and a regular taco.  Or we would just get the ten pack of tacos and each of us would get two. Oh! When we would go to Tulare, sometimes my Mom would let us stop for french fries and a drink. It was the best treat. My point, is that we rarely ate this type of food and when we did it was called town food. People make fun of me to this day because I still call it town food. It is food - from town. Hence, town food.

End of random tangent.

When you buy town food... you get fat.

Good news is that I have lost weight! Probably because I was deathly ill and missed an almost full week of work. That contributes to why I haven't blogged. But I'm not going to lie, I'm pretty positive that even if I HAD been healthy... I wouldn't have blogged.

I have to put living my life first, because if I don't, what will have to write on here?

I am most certainly not witty enough to carry this blog without real life substance behind it. I'm okay with being honest about that. Sometimes, I won't be blogging because I will be living... and then after I've had enough living, I'll blog. And I have to let myself be okay with that. It's hard though because I feel guilty.

Not because I think that any one actually reads my little slice of the interweb, but because I know how important it is for me to write.

Dumb. It's all dumb. The feelings I have about this blog are not rational. It is what it is and I'll write when I write. If there is anyone out there, other than my family, thanks for sticking with me....

This is worth it all.

Finding this one deal is worth all the times I leave empty handed.

It's The End.... of February

Well, I'll flat out just say it. I'm discouraged. I have NOT been kicking butt on my weekly goals lately. But, honestly, it hasn't been because I am lazy. I have been doing lots of stuff! Just... not the items on my goals. And did you notice? Where where the goals last week?! And where was my Friday post? I plum FORGOT. For real. So disappointed in myself... Anyways.

Let's review. Here are the goals I set for myself for this week.

Week of February 14, 2011

-Launder Things

-Go through the 2 boxes full of papers

that I pretend don't exist.

-Organize Jewelry

-Steam the master bedroom curtains

-Hang the master bedroom curtains

And the things I accomplished? 

Week of February 14, 2011

-Launder Things

-Go through the 2 boxes full of papers

that I pretend don't exist.

-Organize Jewelry

-Steam the master bedroom curtains

-Hang the master bedroom curtains

SUPER FAIL. Before I give my excuses reasons... I want to give a quick recap of what I DID accomplish the past two weeks - the things that weren't on this list.

Things I DID Do the Week of Feb. 14 and Feb 21

While I was Not Doing The Things Above

-I had an amazing date night for Valentines with my lover.

- I DID laundry. (Duh.)

-I managed to go grocery shopping and cook dinner... A LOT.

-I got sick.

-I went to the gym more often than usual. Except I started getting blisters so I need new shoes.

-I was really, really sore for two days. It hurt to do everything. It also felt amazing.

-I finished reading the Hunger Games. (More on this later.)

-Bryan and I worked on the house. (This too.)

-I managed to wake up early and get myself to work... EARLY.

-We finally bought a filing cabinet so we can get organized!

SEE? Do you see that I wasn't just farting around not accomplishing anything? Because that was not the case. I was LIVING. And while this blog is important to me and I want/need to write, I also need to go easier on myself when I fail. I shouldn't get all anxiety ridden to write that I failed. I'm human. I will fail. 

The only time that I should beat myself up is when I stop trying to accomplish anything. Because you can't have even a modicum of success if you don't try first. I'm proud of the stuff I accomplished. 

Now, back to the things that I (maybe, sorta) should've done the week of February 14 for a quick recap. 

I can now go through all those papers in the two boxes that I pretend don't exist because I have a filing cabinet... woot! I need to launder the curtains before I steam them. Freaking Cali manages to get her drool on everything! Why can't she just keep her tongue in her MOUTH?! She's lucky that she is so, so, so darn cute that she is worth putting up with drool. Plus, if I want a St. Bernard I should get used to it. I need to get a can of spray paint and then the jewelry sorting will commence aaaaand I already asked Bryan to help me with the master bedroom curtains this week and I just know he won't let me down. (Right babe?!) How is that for a quick recap?

This week, I'm going to go light on myself. 

Week of February 28, 2011

-Do the (never-freaking-ending) Laundry.

-Fix that thing you haven't blogged about yet. :)

-Hit the gym four times this week.

-Clean the master bathroom.

I think all of those things speak for themselves... so I'll skip the play-by-play so we can get to  the month end wrap up of my yearly goals. Obviously, the second to-do is vague but you'll see why within the next few days. (Here is the link to last months wrap-up.)

For those of you that have been reading for a while, you know that I have been trying to implement major life changes this year. They are the following:

1. Get fit & get active

2. Challenge my marriage

3. Walk with God

4. Get unpacked and organized

1. Get fit & get active

I have been increasingly getting better and better and getting my butt to the gym. I've recently been looking into another huge lifestyle change, and once a decision has been made, I'll be sure to blog about it. We'll see how it goes! 

2. Challenge my marriage

I recently went through and six week depression and I'm stick working my way out of it. Every day is better. Bryan and I are better than we ever have been, and I think it's only going to get better. We haven't started the Love Dare yet, but that is on the horizon! 

3. Walk with God

Along with regularly attending church, we also have started up a weekly bible study. On top of that, my prayer life has definitely increased, and my amazing mother-in-law gave us a March daily devotional booklet that starts, well, tomorrow! The one thing I really want to work on is getting into my bible more often during the week. I'd like to hit four days a week for at least a half our of reading and God time. 

4. Get unpacked and get organized

I have been working a lot on the way I view my house. I have also been working on putting more love and effort into things, and you'll see an example of that later this week! We have only a few boxes left. I'm sure most of that stuff will be sold or donated. If I haven't needed it this long, I probably don't need it now...Right? 

Uncomfortable Truths, Volume 1

One of the blogs that I follow, Katherine of Grass Stains has this amazing series of posts on her blog that are all about her uncomfortable truths. You can click here to read them, they are seriously hilarious.

Anyways, I figured since I'm not feeling so hot and I'm tired as all get out I would share a few of my uncomfortable truths instead of uploading pictures and work on the posts that I actually need to post.


:: I am getting more and more irritated by the fact that I am the only one in this house that changes the toilet paper rolls when they are out. Sadly, I will hold this in until the next time I look over and see that there is no toilet paper, I will save the tube and throw it at Bryan's head.... and then I'll feel better.

::  I read a lot of design blogs and a lot of people comment, "oh you are so inspirational!" but for me? They discourage me more often than not. Because my German shepherd doesn't understand that a decorative tray on an ottoman is not target practice for her tail.

:: My cat also does not understand that when he sleeps on top of my cushions on my BRAND NEW COUCHES he leaves a layer of fur when he gets up.

:: My entryway depresses me every time I walk through it.

:: The other day, I was getting ready and I went to put some slip-on shoes on my feet. What I was greeted with was huge pile of drool.

:: My husband does the dishes after I cook, and almost every single time he asks complains that he is missing Tupperware and he just knows it's gotta be somewhere.... But he never looks for it.

:: I have such a terrible memory that I lose things all the time. The other night we went somewhere and when we got home, I made a mental note that I stuck my keys in my jacket pocket so I wouldn't forget them in the morning. The next morning, I check my jacket pocket and there are no keys. At this point I'm going nuts because I hate being late and when I finally thought to check my purse, there they were... Apparently, I was so worried I would forget about having them in my jacket pocket that I put them in my purse. But then I completely forgot what I had done. Bright side of all this? It seems that the mental pictures are, in fact, effective.

Social Media

I'm not sure if I ever mentioned it, but a few weeks ago my friends and I were talking about Facebook and about what happens when we see our Facebook 'friends' in real life.

Before I get into that, I want to mention that all of the people I have on my Facebook I either know in real life or are the writers of blogs that I follow. There is literally no one on my Facebook (besides the blogs/bloggers) that I have not met in person and had some sort of dealing with. It's true. I don't like just adding anyone because some of the things I post I wouldn't post if it was able to be viewed every where. (Like where I am or who I am with or gripes about politics or whatever.) It's my zone and just like Embrace the Crazy, I keep it real. I want to feel comfortable to post what I want without having to worry very much about it.

That said, my friends and I were discussing our friend list clean ups and the times that we have seen our FB friends in real life and what happened. We have each had experiences where someone added us on Facebook, and when we saw them in real life, they either ignored our smiles and/or passing hellos, or they gave us a dirty look or something.

First of all, I was happy that I wasn't alone in having this experience. I've mentioned before how awkward I am with putting myself out there and making friends... When I see someone in Target that I am not particularly close to (but communicate with on Facebook or even Twitter) and I manage to smile and say hi without tripping over my own feet and falling and chipping a tooth or honestly, just choking on fear, it's sort of a big deal. (At least for me it is. I'm one of those shy-sters [get it? Haha!] that hide behind their computer. I'm less awkward that way...) To know that my friends have gone through the same things makes me feel better.

It also astounds me.

The reason that it astounds me is because if a person adds me on Facebook, as sad as it is, they are asking permission to have access to my memories and personal information. It's knowing where I am or where I have been, how I feel about things, good and bad (eek!) pictures of me, what my religion is and where I stand on politics... A friend request, to me, is someone asking me if I would be okay with letting them in. Not just that, but they often have access to my friends because of tagged photos and status streams... They can even see a 'Friendship' between me and one of my friends.

I don't take that lightly. On every single social media outlet that I am a member of, I chose what I want to share and with whom. I talk about some things on Facebook that I don't mention here and I post blogs on here that I don't mention on my Facebook. It is at my discretion. Obviously, my blog is public, while my Facebook account is private. There is a reason for that. Facebook is real time and Embrace the Crazy is a journal for myself. I typically don't write where I've been until after the fact. It's safe. Plus, not many people read this blog outside of my bubble. Which is fine. This blog is not for anyone else. It's just for me. But the things I post on here I post because I don't mind sharing them with whomever decides to stumble upon this ol' blog.

I was explaining to Bryan that while I think using the word snubbed has a connotation to it that doesn't quite articulate my feelings, I suppose its close. I don't expect to be best friends with everyone on my Facebook, and I certainly don't think I have to strike up a conversation with them in public just because we are friends on Facebook. I do feel that if you make eye contact it would not be hard to smile to acknowledge them. Or so say a quick hello before going about your business. Really, I think my expectations are low. A hello has never hurt anyone.

After the few times that I had experienced this, I really started to wonder. If these people want to completely ignore my existence in public, what are their motives to being 'friends' on Facebook? My thoughts barreled down to genuine human curiosity and it's more negative counterpart - nosiness. There is a difference between being intrigued by someone and their life (some reality television/interviews) and general nosiness (like paparazzi fueled websites/magazines). Once I made the distinction, I started thinking about the few people that were anything but friendly in person and I resolved that, based on what I knew of them, they were people that were nosy. So, you know what I did? I deleted them.

At the risk of sounding as though my mindset was "You weren't nice to me in public so I defriended you! Take that!" I'll be honest. I don't want people that are nosy on my Facebook. Which is kind of funny when you think about it. I want people that are genuinely interested in knowing where I've gone in life and sharing funny quips with each other, or giving reviews of items or books or movies. I happen to think that other people are fascinating and I love knowing why people choose certain things or really, just their story in general. But I don't use the information they post against them. I don't ignore them in public or follow them around on Facebook saying rude and mean spirited things. (My husband has a 'friend' that does this on occasion. It's really sad.) And I'm not catty with the information they post. I feel like nosy people only want information to do bad things like gossip and I'm not down with that. So I deleted them and I don't feel bad about it at all.

Moving along, in yesterday's post, I mentioned that I went to dinner with my Mom and Larry on Saturday. While there, I noticed that an ex-boyfriend from my junior year or high school and his friend were there. I debated about interrupting their dinner to say hi. I also didn't want to seem like I just ignored them. I have my ex on my Facebook and we post on each others stuff sometimes - no big deal. But I immediately thought of the conversation I had with my friends.

So, I took all of my 40-pounds-heavier-than-I-was-in-high-school self and walked by their table and said hi, made some small chit-chat and left after a minute or two. It was easy going and not all that awkward.

Then I get to my Mom's and look in a mirror and realize that I forgot that I let my hair air-dry because it was raining and that I chose not to do my make up. I was also wearing slippers and a huge San Francisco sweatshirt. Sigh.

I just HAD to say hello while looking like a homeless person. Ugh.