Wednesday, May 3, 2017

That Familiar Twinge

Did you know I'm turning 30 this year? In just twenty-two weeks and four days I'll be 30.

I'll be honest and say that I'm not that worried about it. I'm at peace about turning 30. Being 30. Living as a thirty-year-old. Sure, I have the normal concerns like; what have I done with my life? Or why do I still feel like I'm in high school? Or why must I have adult acne?!

I also think about how I spent all of my 20s being fat. Like...from 20-29 I have been fat. Or, if we were being nit-picky - I've been overweight. I can't be fat. Fat is an actual substance and my whole being isn't fat. My being has had too much fat. It's all semantics to me. I've been an Extra Large far more often than I've been a Medium. When I was 20 I was 140 pounds. At 24 I whittled my way down to 165 pounds.  At 29... I am much more than 165 and way (way) more than 140.

Of course, I'd like to not spend my 30s having so much fat surrounding my skeleton. I'd like to not be so winded when playing with my kids. Or shaking when I'm holding the diaper bag, the toddler, the purse and the car seat and the groceries and the hand of my eldest. You know? There are a lot of those kinds of thoughts.

It hasn't been all about my weight though. Or my adult acne and not feeling like a legitimate adult. I've also been thinking and feeling some things that I haven't decided should be public or not. But, there are some things I think the public should know. Not because I feel like what I have to say will be world changing, but it might just change one persons world. It's cliche, but also true. But it also might bring pain to people I love, in a roundabout sort of way.

If I'm being perfectly honest, during my blogging absence I've been thinking a lot. I've reconciled some things that needed to be reconciled. I've addressed some things that needed to be addressed. I'm still denying some things that ought not to be denied. Having the knowledge that I'm turning 30 has brought some of these things to the forefront of my mind. But it's only been in the past few months that I've started to write blog entries in my head.

That old familiar twinge of needing to suss it all out in text has come back. I get quiet when I'm working things out. In real life and online - it's the same. I hide away from friends and family when I'm having emotional problems... and physical ones too. The time always comes when that is no longer an option. When it first seemed healthy to back away slowly, it now feels destructive. I wish I could find the balance between the two but balance has always eluded me. In many ways I am an all or nothing type of gal.

The time has come where all the things I feel called to say must be said instead of stuffed down because no one wants to hear them. And maybe they don't need to hear them. know, maybe they do.


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