Monday, February 6, 2012

It Hurts

ARE YOU READY FOR SOME FOOOOOTBALL??? Wrap-up? Except... not really.

Yesterday was the Superbowl and more importantly, was an excused day to eat 7 layer dip and lemon bars.  Didn't you hear? Calories don't exist on Superbowl Sunday. ;)

While we only watched the coin toss, the half-time show and the last minute of the game because we don't really care much about football, it was still a nice day.


There was a bunch of drama between my alcoholic father and me.... and I ended up getting a pretty gnarly headache.

Luckily, I was able to tough it out because Bryan and I invited Denise and Bryan's cousin Ali to come over to watch movies and eat food. I sat there with a heating pad on my head, drugged up, and I kept repeating, "Bryan, shhhh... you are too loud!" and "No, Bryan! I don't want to drink any alcohol. I'm drugged right now!"

But around 6, my head started feeling WAY better, I was finally able to have a lemon bar and a little more dip, and we watched That Thing You Do. Love that movie! I made minestrone soup in the crock pot for our dinners this week, and I made enough to freeze half for another meal later on. Woohoo!

All in all, it was a fine Superbowl Sunday.

Yesterday was just another instance of how devastating it is to have someone that you love be addicted to drugs, alcohol or involved with other styles of destructive behavior. I feel so sad for my Dad, for my family, because this will never end. It's the same cycle over and over again.

It's especially hard because while I can usually deal with it in (what I can only hope is) a healthy way, it still is a constant in my life. It's always there, looming around the corner. It's a major pain, emotionally and physically to deal with someone that is so all over the place. Especially when they are 'normal', they are amazing. Its like mourning the death of one of your favorite people all the time. Over and over again.

I don't want anything bad to happen to my Dad. But at the same time, I want this cycle to end. I want it to be over. I hate the roller coaster of it all. The mean words, the broken promises, the pretending. It's all so heavy that I just don't to deal with it anymore. Even if I pulled away and cut all communication, I would still think about it and wonder. And miss out on the good times that come around every once in a while.

It just is what it is, I guess. But it still hurts.


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