Righteous Anger

I read posts like this and I feel her anger. I feel like its justified. I believe that God understands anger. I believe that God understands frustration and helplessness. And I think that it's OK to be angry about your circumstances to a certain extent. Sometimes, in cases like Jonah, I feel like Patrice has a right to be angry that she won't be able to see her son play sports. Or to give him big bear hugs and have tickle fights. I know I would be.

I also see Patrice's strength in those posts. Even when she is at her weakest. I feel that she believes and trusts in God, that she knows he has a plan. I know she gets frustrated and upset, because she is human.

Well, I'm angry. I don't know if it is righteous anger. But I am so mad. And right now, I am torn two ways. One part of me wants to get up in God's face and talk to him, to yell and scream at him. And part of me wants to just give him the cold shoulder. I don't know which one I want to go with.

Lots of big things are going on right now in my life. And yes, I'll explain more later but this isn't the time. But, I am so gosh-darn frustrated that my Dad just checks out whenever he wants. I'm tired of him being an alcoholic. I'm tired of going through the push and pull that being an alcoholics daughter brings. I hate that he misses out on so much of my life. And I am so PISSED that I miss out on HIS. It's a two way street. When he drinks, neither of us gets to spend time with the other.

Then, on top of everything else, I remember all the things I am mad at. All the things I missed out on. My Dad's alcoholism got really bad when I was born. My entire life he's been a binge drinker, and it's effected my life the most. For an example, today I was talking to my boss, Kim, and a few other people at work. I mentioned that what I really wanted, above anything else for my birthday was a bike. They kind of looked at me like I was crazy. And when they asked if I had ever had a bike, I said no. I wasn't taught to ride a bike until I was in the 5th grade. Then, when I learned, I used my sisters old bikes. I never got that, OH-MY-GOSH moment. (Note: I had my sisters bikes, which I am grateful for, but it wasn't like it was cleaned up with new tires and given to me. I dragged it out of the garage, sprayed the spiders off of it, and did what I could with it. It wasn't a special event like it is to so many people.)

What a flashback that gave me. I remember my Dad had been drunk the week before his 40 or 40-something birthday. On Saturday morning, He grabbed a half-way decent bike, and took me over to Monroe school, where he taught me how to ride a bike. I had been begging for years, weeks to learn, but he was always drunk during the weekends or it was never a good time. Thinking about it makes me so angry. 5th grade. FIFTH GRADE. Every major event in my life my Dad has missed. I remember being so scared that he would drink before every band concert or Peach Blossom contest. I remember looking at the crowd to see if he would show up, and my Mom would just smile and shrug her shoulders at me.

I get SO angry thinking about it. Throw something at the wall angry. So many memories were missed out on. So many birthdays and Christmases ruined. I always felt he put the bottle before me, before my sisters, before his wife.

And although he doesn't drink as often as he used to he still does. And it makes me mad. How could he? After all these years. After all that is happened. After what it does to his body. HOW CAN HE CONTINUE TO DRINK? How can he look at me, drunk as a skunk, and straight up lie to my face. How can he live his life this way?

On Monday, my Mom and I did something very important. Very exciting and important. On the way home, a song came on my iPod. A song I have listened to many times before. It was called "Sober" and it is sung by Pink. As I was singing it, at the top of my lungs, I started thinking about them. Then I started connecting things. Then I started crying. There I was, driving home from Fresno and all I could do was cry.

I thought about how my Dad doesn't even have that. He doesn't have this constant addiction. He doesn't need alcohol every day to function. He doesn't get happier when he drinks. He feels worse. And then he comes out of it, he feels nothing. He hasn't felt the presence of God in a long time. He doesn't know who he is or what to do with his life. He's just a floater.

Do you know that its nearly impossible to rehabilitate a binge drinker? They can go years - literally - YEARS without drinking. They can play the part better than any actor or actress. They can go through rehab, AA, church programs... everything without an problem.

So today, as I finish this post and get up to go work out so I can work my anger (and fat) off, I am hopeless. I won't ever have a normal relationship with my Dad. He will always be plagued by his addiction, and I will always be waiting for him to come out from the fog.

Until then, I keep going through the roller coaster. Some days I have hope, some days I want to cut off all communication, and some days I want to cry because of all the loss and heartbreak this has caused in my life, in my families life. And I will keep trying to believe that God has a plan, and His Will will be done.



____

PS - Sober by Pink:



PPS - I love my Dad so much.

Yeah... We know.

An Open Letter: My Body

Dear Body,

You serve me well. You've always been there for me. You've stuck with me for almost 22 years. Sure, you are a little short. Granted, you have bad knees, big hips, large love-handles and are 25 pounds more chunky than you should be. Of course, I can't wear those cute little outfits they wear on TV and on the Forever 21 advertisements. Then comes the stress at work, from being uncomfortable with you around, from life in general. And, as a true, TRUE friend you shut down on me with what Doctors call a 'migraine' but I generally refer to it as 'My Bodies Betrayal."

Don't let my previous comments get you down, dear body. For I love you when I have lost all of my "water weight" and when I am swimming. I love you when I need to walk around or run errands or attend church or a birthday party. I love on you when I am cold, wrap you up in a big blanket, do what I can for you when you are in pain. I take you to the doctor when you are sick. I blow your nose and I paint your nails.

I also realize that a relationship like ours is a give and take. Probably with you doing more giving and me doing more taking. But if I didn't feed you, you would be unable to give... So it's really a wash.

So, why? WHY are you doing this to me? Why must you be in such pain when I have so much to do today? Why is it that One. Day. After. I sign up for the gym you decide to go all "time of the month" on me? And fine, if you have to, you have to. I understand. I get it. But, WHY do you HAVE to crave chocolate so BADLY? Why did I have to purchase that brownie from Panera Bread today? WHY did you make me walk into my Superintendent's office to get a Snickers out of his candy jar? I don't understand.

You are already keeping me from the gym. Do you HAVE to make me eat horrible things as well?

I'm hurt. And I'm angry. I know I'll get over it. I know you'll get over it. But I still am hurt. And I fully expect you to work really hard at the gym with me. Because we'll only be able to do this if we work together.

Until then, I'll try to be patient. And don't rush me. Right after I post this, I WILL go and get a Twix from the candy jar. Because I love you.

Megan

Insomniac Sayings

I can't sleep. I've been up for the past hour or so just thinking and creating really awesome ringtones. So many in fact that now I have absolutely no idea which song I am going to chose to be the main ringtone. Now I have So Many Choices that I honestly can't pick one. I'm going to have a different ringtone for every hour in the day. Which would actually be kind of cool.

Moving on... I think I blame Anna. If I wasn't such a NICE person I would totally call her right now. She told me she's been having a hard time sleeping and she gave it to me. I can't sleep. My mind is going four thousand miles a minutes and it really isn't working out for me.

Unfortunately, none of what is passing through the brain tubes are things that I can blog about.

One thing though, I found out today that one of my Dad's friends and sponsors passed away. He was older and he died of cancer. Please pray for my Dad and the loved ones of this man. I'm sure they all need comfort.

A Functional Desk

Something that has happened at work recently, that may not seem like a big deal to you but is to me, is that I talked my boss into letting me extend my desk. The only thing I could come up with were to install shelves, but my boss is amazing and had a better plan. I forgot to take a before picture but I manage to take some after pictures.

I used to have to four drawer file cabinets on the left side of my desk. To extend my desk and give me more space, I replaced one of the four drawers for a two drawer, and it has worked out perfectly.



Here is a better view. The cabinet is almost flush with the desk, so it works out nicely.

Here is a picture of my desk all neat and organized... Using the extra space that I have. It was been WONDERFUL. Oh, are you wondering who the Really Hot Guy is on my computer screen? Let me zoom for you:


This, is Robert Pattinson, in all his yummy, squinty eyed glory. *sigh* Its a nice little pick me up during the day. :)

Fun Times at the Zoo

I would like to start off this blog by saying that July was one of the WORST months for me. It is a true saying when people reference, "when it rains, it pours." I can't believe the goings on of this past month and I am also saddened by the fact that July seems to be seeping into August.

The past month at work has been really difficult. Unfortunately, I can't go into much detail because things aren't resolved and maybe won't ever be. But if you could take a moment to pray for me and the people at work involved with the situation, I would greatly appreciate it.

Anywho, every summer I take a few days off to have a 'vacation' and this year I decided to escape to my sister house. Alison and Mark welcomed me in to their home for 4 whole days and I love spending time with them.

While we hung out and went to Coronado beach which is my FAVORITE beach, the biggest adventure that we had was going to the San Diego Zoo, a place that I had not been for quite some time. Actually, it had been over ten years ago that my Mom and Dad trekked our whole family to visit my Dad's cousin Dorothy who lives in San Diego.

The reason why I wanted to go so badly was because they just opened up the Elephant Odyssey and if you know anything about me you KNOW that I love elephants. Like... some people collect china plates with cat's on them. Some people collect beanie babies... I collect elephants. That's what I do.

Before I get to the pictures that I know you so desperately want to see, I needed to tell you a story and I wish above all other wishes (at the moment) that I had taken pictures. After we left the Elephant Odyssey portion of the zoo we went to see the lions (which is one of Alisons' favorite parts) as we were standing there, looking at the regal animals, Alison points out a sign. The sign warns that we are in a danger zone of BEING SPRAYED and we should keep back 9 feet. Seriously? How many people were at the zoo staring at the awesome power of the lions and then the lion lifted its leg and SPRAYED all over them?

That would be a good story though... to an extent. Maybe not for the person that was sprayed but for the person that is hearing the spraying story. Like... If Denise came to me and told me that she visited the zoo and was sprayed by the lions I would DIE laughing. Literally. And when I got to the pearly gates and Jesus came to see me, I would STILL be laughing. And because God created laughter and humor I think he would laugh a little too. But that's just me.

On to the pictures:

(Alison and I waiting in line so that she could purchase her season pass... I say to this picture, "Hello, Megans' Squished Nose.")

(The cutest Koala... possibly ever.)

(A leopard that was being walked around the park.)

(Me... standing in front of the elephants butts. :) )

(I could hardly contain my excitement.. They are so massive and awesome!)

( The only way this picture would be better is if the elephant was REAL!)

(Oh wait... I guess there is another way for the picture to be better, add Alison and viola!)

(My loves! They were so good all day... Emma loves the zoo! )

An Open Letter: Pandora.com

Dear Pandora.com,

Thank you for being awesome.

I really appreciate you playing all of the best Christian Music on my Phil Wickham station. Work has been super stressful and listening to this music has helped me to stay positive.

Although I am not happy with your 40 hours-per-month limitation on listening to your awesomeness, I am willing to forgive you. I may also be willing to work your $36 per year plan into my budget after I pay off my Dell credit card.

Well, I just wanted to write and say, keep up the good work.

(Oh, and if you ever stop working like you did the other day, my next open letter will NOT be so loving. K, pumpkin?)

Much love,

Megan