No one reads blogs anymore.
Like, literally no one. I don't even read blogs anymore.
And yet I sat in church today, listening to the minister preach, and the idea of coming back to this space popped in my head. I haven't thought about this blog in so long. Why it came to mind I have zero idea.
It could be that the Lord asked me to take a break from social media, and I'm feeling lonely. It's amazing how absolutely quiet your life gets when Instagram is gone. It could be out of my human desire to want to be seen - not that I really ever was on social media. I rarely shared anything that was my own original thought, mostly just dropping memes and consuming.
It could also be that I am in a season of working things out. I just came out of a season of locking my eyes with the goal and just surviving whatever was between me and it. My peripheral vision is returning and I'm seeing the world through a wide lens. Everything is swirling and I just want a place to put them out into the world long form. Without pressure. Without anyone really even knowing I'm even here, pouring it out.
But I have thoughts. I have so many thoughts. As I read my last two blog entries, dated in 2017, I realized how much life I have lived in the past five years. What I saw was that a lot of the ways in which I was changing and growing, I am still in process with. I haven't really settled anything that I struggled with back then.
The only thing I am really settled on is Jesus. He is my True North.
When I'm lost in the clouds, when I feel like I have no idea what I'm doing, when I can't seem to land on something I can be sure of, I tell Bryan. And Bryan points me to Jesus. He says the words that make me remember who He is, who I am in Him and what I'm doing. I'd like to say that I am able to just do that for myself but I can't yet. I get so lost in the fog that I can't seem to steady myself. It's getting better. Bryan and I can both sense it now. I'm drowning way less often and for shorter periods of time. But when I do, he's there to push me towards the surface, where I meet Jesus and take a breath of air.
Life feels like a lot. A lot, a lot.
I can't decide if I should write as if we were old friends that have just picked up right where we left off, or if I should reintroduce myself.
Hi. I'm Megan.
I'm 35 years old and married to the love of my life, my middle school sweetheart, Bryan. We've been married for 13 years (officially, that milestone is in two days) and we have been blessed by the grace of the Lord with five children. YES. When I "left" this blog behind I had two. We had a baby girl, Eleanor, nine months after my last post, in February of 2018. We love it and no, we don't know if we are done. More on this to come.
We were born and raised in the Central Valley, California but we currently live in Waxahachie, Texas. We moved here in 2021, because California made it impossible for us to live life there. We left everything we knew and everyone we loved on the promise that God was orchestrating our path. Bryan was offered a position at a local church as the Worship minister and I have been able to work remotely and travel back and forth for the school district I work for, which I praise the Lord for on the regular. I have been with them for 14.5 years and it's been my honor to serve the community and students there.
A few months after we left our hometown, we welcomed my oldest sister, Alison and her family to the area. They decided to move to Texas too! It is by the absolutely kindness of God that we have family near us. Just the few short months when we were here alone, I could not believe how lonely it truly felt. Everything was so foreign.
Our church community is so amazing and we've been blessed with good solid friendships and a life group full of kids that like each other! God's hand has been in it all.
At the same time, I've struggled mentally and emotionally. It's a cliché now, but the past few years have been a heavy weight to bear. Witnessing the absolute mayhem that was COVID-19, the racial unrest and political turmoil has just been illuminating and polarizing. Then, of course, there was all the personal stuff piled on top.
We had our fourth baby, a sweet boy named Rhett, at home days after the shut down. At that point the hospitals weren't allowing fathers in with mothers, there was mandatory testing and they would take your baby away if you were positive - despite faulty tests and even with no symptoms. I had no net - a home birth was the only option and God blessed the journey.
We had family that was terrifyingly immunocompromised and we had to set some boundaries between us and them. Boundaries that kept changing depending on the moment and that caused confusion and hurt for my children. It was tough on my momma heart and unfortunately, I just had to watch them be hurt and walk them through it one day at a time.
In August of 2020, I lost my Dad. He collapsed of a heart attack while at the bank. It was devastating and walking through grief with my sisters and his wife has been so full of sorrow. The Lord spoke a word to me which brought me great comfort and peace. I am thankful for that.
In July of 2021, I moved away from my sister and her family. We talk often, but I miss sitting on her couch just chatting. I miss random Target runs. I also left all my extended family, friends, church community and the home we brought all our babies home to (and one into the world in!). Talk about an emotional hit, man. Whew.
In January of 2022, we welcomed our fifth baby, Calvin, into the world. My second homebirth. I dropped the kids off at school while having contractions. I told them they might have a baby brother when they got home. They got off the bus to me settled in bed, snuggling a new sweet baby. It was wonderful.
In July of the same year I began therapy with a wonderful Christian woman and it's been good. I'm glad I took the step and I am gaining new Biblical perspective when we speak.
In the same month, I cut ties with my Mom. I needed some space and to evaluate the relationship we have and if it is healthy for me to continue it. It's not a decision I made lightly and there isn't any anger there, really. I just needed space for reflection.
These are just snippets of big things and nothing mentioned of all the tiny everyday things that have happened or that are swirling around. I have a lot to work on and work out.
My plan, for now, is to do that here.
-Meg
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| Today, at a local pumpkin patch. |
